Deep Thoughts

[eirenical]

...or not.

*sigh*

Feeling a sudden need for an intense change in my life. I don't know what kind of change... just something.

On second thought... maybe it's not so sudden. For the last two or three years, I've become aware of a growing dissatisfaction with my life. For the first time since graduating high school, I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. It's this odd feeling like something in my life doesn't fit right... and I'm afraid that it's me. There are things that almost make me happy, there are moments of fleeting joy, but they're getting fewer and farther between. That scares me.

I went to school for nine years to learn to be one thing: the only thing that I'd ever wanted to be. I doubted along the way, sure, but never enough to put on the brakes and say, "Wait! Let's think about this for a minute." And now, almost 14 years later... now I'm questioning. This is bad timing, to say the least.

And on top of the questioning is the small matter that I am, for all intents and purposes, out of a job. And I've been dragging my heels about getting a new one, because, as noted, I'm suddenly not sure that what I spent a third of my life learning to do... is actually what I want to do. Leaving me with the small issue of having no job... and no income... and no easy way to rectify that situation.

I feel like I'm getting sucked down inside this thing with no way out. Could I get another job in private practice? Sure. I might have to work shit hours, but the pay would be fantastic. But you see... I don't think that's what I want. Thanks to the last few years, I have a bit of compassion fatigue. Working one on one with clients... it's exhausting my ability to give a shit and I don't like what that's turning me into. But at the same time, I don't want to work for the government inspecting carcasses all day. I don't want to work in academia, because spending my life chasing grant money for research I don't want to do... doesn't exactly thrill me, either. I could work in industry, developing products or selling them... but can we say best of a set of bad choices?

Unfortunately, I don't have an answer. I just don't know where to go from here. And the very thought of doing something completely different (and having wasted a third of my life and a quarter million of my parents' money on schooling that I thus won't be using...) makes my stomach churn to the point that I feel like vomiting or having a panic attack. I wanted this education. I pushed and pushed and fought and fought because I wanted it. And now... I don't. A very large part of me wishes I'd done something else. Because the way I'm feeling right now, it's no more valuable to me than the paper my degree is printed on. And that just blows.

*sigh*

*deep breath*

Well, at least I have chorale tomorrow. That oughta put me in a good mood for a few hours.

*sighs again*

Fuck.

Comments

[only-seimei.livejournal.com]

Could you do something like doctors without borders? Do they have that kind of thing for vets? It might make you feel more rewarded, certainly not monetarily, but emotionally. What about music? Could you do something in that arena? Just the fact that you have such a great degree is helpful no matter where you go. You can use that for another job even if it totally unrelated, because it shows you can push through and achieve something. There's nothing wrong with a change of mind, and everyone gets burned out. I think people understand. :)

[rchan.livejournal.com]

*sigh* There's no one who could take my cat if I were to go away for an extended period and I have a 7 month old niece whose life I'd like to be here for. So, I'm limited to staying in about a 30 mile radius of where I currently am. Never thought I would consider being tied to the vicinity of NYC a potentially bad thing. O_O

As for music... I'd love to. Unfortunately, shy of going to cantorial school (which I have considered), that's an even harder field to break into than veterinary medicine. O_O

That's a good point about the degree, though. I know, in theory, that people change their minds all the time... it's just the knowledge that I spent so much of someone else's money to achieve what I have, just to want to throw it away 5 years later. How do I know that if I invest time in something else that it won't turn out the same way? (OK, now I'm just whining...) Not to mention that living in my parents' basement doesn't sound all that appealing in the long run. *sigh* And my family's attempts to be "helpful" just seem to end with me feeling bruised. At least I know they mean well...

Gah. I need to stop babbling at you now. O_O *hugs* Thanks, though. Friend support is a good thing. ^_^