Deep Thoughts
Apr. 19th, 2010 12:11 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
eirenical...or not.
*sigh*
Feeling a sudden need for an intense change in my life. I don't know what kind of change... just something.
On second thought... maybe it's not so sudden. For the last two or three years, I've become aware of a growing dissatisfaction with my life. For the first time since graduating high school, I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. It's this odd feeling like something in my life doesn't fit right... and I'm afraid that it's me. There are things that almost make me happy, there are moments of fleeting joy, but they're getting fewer and farther between. That scares me.
I went to school for nine years to learn to be one thing: the only thing that I'd ever wanted to be. I doubted along the way, sure, but never enough to put on the brakes and say, "Wait! Let's think about this for a minute." And now, almost 14 years later... now I'm questioning. This is bad timing, to say the least.
And on top of the questioning is the small matter that I am, for all intents and purposes, out of a job. And I've been dragging my heels about getting a new one, because, as noted, I'm suddenly not sure that what I spent a third of my life learning to do... is actually what I want to do. Leaving me with the small issue of having no job... and no income... and no easy way to rectify that situation.
I feel like I'm getting sucked down inside this thing with no way out. Could I get another job in private practice? Sure. I might have to work shit hours, but the pay would be fantastic. But you see... I don't think that's what I want. Thanks to the last few years, I have a bit of compassion fatigue. Working one on one with clients... it's exhausting my ability to give a shit and I don't like what that's turning me into. But at the same time, I don't want to work for the government inspecting carcasses all day. I don't want to work in academia, because spending my life chasing grant money for research I don't want to do... doesn't exactly thrill me, either. I could work in industry, developing products or selling them... but can we say best of a set of bad choices?
Unfortunately, I don't have an answer. I just don't know where to go from here. And the very thought of doing something completely different (and having wasted a third of my life and a quarter million of my parents' money on schooling that I thus won't be using...) makes my stomach churn to the point that I feel like vomiting or having a panic attack. I wanted this education. I pushed and pushed and fought and fought because I wanted it. And now... I don't. A very large part of me wishes I'd done something else. Because the way I'm feeling right now, it's no more valuable to me than the paper my degree is printed on. And that just blows.
*sigh*
*deep breath*
Well, at least I have chorale tomorrow. That oughta put me in a good mood for a few hours.
*sighs again*
Fuck.
*sigh*
Feeling a sudden need for an intense change in my life. I don't know what kind of change... just something.
On second thought... maybe it's not so sudden. For the last two or three years, I've become aware of a growing dissatisfaction with my life. For the first time since graduating high school, I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. It's this odd feeling like something in my life doesn't fit right... and I'm afraid that it's me. There are things that almost make me happy, there are moments of fleeting joy, but they're getting fewer and farther between. That scares me.
I went to school for nine years to learn to be one thing: the only thing that I'd ever wanted to be. I doubted along the way, sure, but never enough to put on the brakes and say, "Wait! Let's think about this for a minute." And now, almost 14 years later... now I'm questioning. This is bad timing, to say the least.
And on top of the questioning is the small matter that I am, for all intents and purposes, out of a job. And I've been dragging my heels about getting a new one, because, as noted, I'm suddenly not sure that what I spent a third of my life learning to do... is actually what I want to do. Leaving me with the small issue of having no job... and no income... and no easy way to rectify that situation.
I feel like I'm getting sucked down inside this thing with no way out. Could I get another job in private practice? Sure. I might have to work shit hours, but the pay would be fantastic. But you see... I don't think that's what I want. Thanks to the last few years, I have a bit of compassion fatigue. Working one on one with clients... it's exhausting my ability to give a shit and I don't like what that's turning me into. But at the same time, I don't want to work for the government inspecting carcasses all day. I don't want to work in academia, because spending my life chasing grant money for research I don't want to do... doesn't exactly thrill me, either. I could work in industry, developing products or selling them... but can we say best of a set of bad choices?
Unfortunately, I don't have an answer. I just don't know where to go from here. And the very thought of doing something completely different (and having wasted a third of my life and a quarter million of my parents' money on schooling that I thus won't be using...) makes my stomach churn to the point that I feel like vomiting or having a panic attack. I wanted this education. I pushed and pushed and fought and fought because I wanted it. And now... I don't. A very large part of me wishes I'd done something else. Because the way I'm feeling right now, it's no more valuable to me than the paper my degree is printed on. And that just blows.
*sigh*
*deep breath*
Well, at least I have chorale tomorrow. That oughta put me in a good mood for a few hours.
*sighs again*
Fuck.
