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eirenicalSo... I realize that I haven't posted in a while. You'll have to forgive me for that, but the reality is that my life is busy trying to turn into complete and utter sh*t. Those of you who have been following the saga know that I have had a love-hate relationship with my job and my boss for the better part of the last two years. Around 6 months ago, a third doctor was added to our practice which made things complicated for a while, but for the most part, improved life dramatically for all involved. The three of us work together well, we communicate well and overall play nicely together.
So what's the problem, you say? Well, I'll tell you. Since hiring this third doctor, our higher-ups realized that apart from a few months over the summer, our practice really can't support three doctors. Hmm. Well, that's not good. Problem number 2: the practice 30 minutes north of us is losing one of their two doctors to a new hospital opening 30 minutes north of them. Problem, you say? Solution, says they. It's simple math really. We now have 4 doctors and 2 hospitals that can support 2 doctors each. Simple, right? Of course not right! Naturally, this means that one of the three doctors who work so well together needs to leave that practice to work with another vet who is less than one year out of school and has ambition that far outweighs and overreaches her ability and moral fortitude.
Hmm? What's that? Oh, why yes -- I was the one who ended up moving northwards.
Bitter, party of one? Your table is ready.
Now, I was promised that this other doctor was going to be leaving the practice at mid-summer. Two problems here. One, she's been talking and making changes as though she has no plans of going anywhere. Two, she's a miserable little **fill in the blank with derogatory explicative of your choice** and I can't work with her for another week, much less another 2-3 months!!
*pantpant*
And in the midst of all of this, I am turning 30 in 16 days. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't consider this a very big deal. I've always figured that if you're only as old as you feel (a sentiment in which I whole-heartedly believe), then I'm 6 for life. However, whenever you hit a milestone birthday (13, 17, 21, 30...), you can't avoid at least a little bit of stock-taking of your current position in life and comparing it to where you thought you'd be by that age. Now, for the earlier milestones, you're measuring your life accomplishments strictly in terms of what you've done in school. Thirty is the first one where you've had time out in the "real world" to complete and fill out some of the lines on your "life goal list": buy a car, get a job, be financially independent, buy a house, have a family, etc. And when you get to 30 and realize that you have only accomplished one or two of those things -- and you aren't satisfied with how you've done either one -- it's a rude awakening.
For the longest time, my entire life goal list had one line and it read like this: Become A Veterinarian. And I did that. It was a grueling and degrading experience, but I survived veterinary school and came out the other end with the piece of paper in hand that would allow me to step out into the workforce and finally be the thing that I had spent the last 15 years dreaming of becoming.
...And then I realized that that piece of paper isn't worth crap. No matter how much I learned in school, I didn't really feel that I could do this job that I worked so hard to be able to do. I felt completely unprepared and generally wanted to run screaming home to mommy every time an emergency that I didn't know how to handle walked into my practice. So I spent the next year or two learning all those things that they should have taught me in school. And by the time I hit 28 or 29 I started to realize that my goal list had now stood empty for those two years.
That was not a good moment. So, here I am at 29, almost 30, and I have a job that I don't like that I traded up for a job that I hate, an apartment I like in an apartment complex I can't stand, friends I adore but never see, a chorus group I sing in but dread going to on Monday nights because of the exhaustion that will set in by Tuesday morning, and a family that I want to be around for that lives three states away. And the one and only goal that I invested myself in reaching... isn't enough to make me happy anymore. In fact... it's making me miserable. And I have nothing else to replace it with.
*sigh* And is if that wasn't enough stress right there, I have my mother whispering in my ear that my biological clock is ticking and that if I wait another 3-5 years to return to NY (as I had planned), then it takes me 2-3 years to even make friends, much less find a boyfriend... do I really want to be starting a family at 37 or 38? *falls over* Like I needed that on top of all the other anxieties?? I don't even know that I want a husband (much less children) and now I'm supposed to rush to find one just so I'm not too old to do anything with one once I get him? What the hell is this, a drag race?
So what's the point of all this? I... I don't really know. I suppose I just needed to get it off of my chest and onto paper. I needed to get it out of me and into another medium so that I could see it clearly. I don't like making decisions under duress and I don't like being forced into life-altering ones because I'm running away from something less pleasant. And if I've succeeded in giving myself a little objectivity here, then I've accomplished what I set out to do. Thanks for the support. ^_^
And a ziesen Pesach to all those celebrating along with me tomorrow!
*eyes clock*
12:13 AM
*coughs*
...Make that today... *sheepish grin*
So what's the problem, you say? Well, I'll tell you. Since hiring this third doctor, our higher-ups realized that apart from a few months over the summer, our practice really can't support three doctors. Hmm. Well, that's not good. Problem number 2: the practice 30 minutes north of us is losing one of their two doctors to a new hospital opening 30 minutes north of them. Problem, you say? Solution, says they. It's simple math really. We now have 4 doctors and 2 hospitals that can support 2 doctors each. Simple, right? Of course not right! Naturally, this means that one of the three doctors who work so well together needs to leave that practice to work with another vet who is less than one year out of school and has ambition that far outweighs and overreaches her ability and moral fortitude.
Hmm? What's that? Oh, why yes -- I was the one who ended up moving northwards.
Bitter, party of one? Your table is ready.
Now, I was promised that this other doctor was going to be leaving the practice at mid-summer. Two problems here. One, she's been talking and making changes as though she has no plans of going anywhere. Two, she's a miserable little **fill in the blank with derogatory explicative of your choice** and I can't work with her for another week, much less another 2-3 months!!
*pantpant*
And in the midst of all of this, I am turning 30 in 16 days. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't consider this a very big deal. I've always figured that if you're only as old as you feel (a sentiment in which I whole-heartedly believe), then I'm 6 for life. However, whenever you hit a milestone birthday (13, 17, 21, 30...), you can't avoid at least a little bit of stock-taking of your current position in life and comparing it to where you thought you'd be by that age. Now, for the earlier milestones, you're measuring your life accomplishments strictly in terms of what you've done in school. Thirty is the first one where you've had time out in the "real world" to complete and fill out some of the lines on your "life goal list": buy a car, get a job, be financially independent, buy a house, have a family, etc. And when you get to 30 and realize that you have only accomplished one or two of those things -- and you aren't satisfied with how you've done either one -- it's a rude awakening.
For the longest time, my entire life goal list had one line and it read like this: Become A Veterinarian. And I did that. It was a grueling and degrading experience, but I survived veterinary school and came out the other end with the piece of paper in hand that would allow me to step out into the workforce and finally be the thing that I had spent the last 15 years dreaming of becoming.
...And then I realized that that piece of paper isn't worth crap. No matter how much I learned in school, I didn't really feel that I could do this job that I worked so hard to be able to do. I felt completely unprepared and generally wanted to run screaming home to mommy every time an emergency that I didn't know how to handle walked into my practice. So I spent the next year or two learning all those things that they should have taught me in school. And by the time I hit 28 or 29 I started to realize that my goal list had now stood empty for those two years.
That was not a good moment. So, here I am at 29, almost 30, and I have a job that I don't like that I traded up for a job that I hate, an apartment I like in an apartment complex I can't stand, friends I adore but never see, a chorus group I sing in but dread going to on Monday nights because of the exhaustion that will set in by Tuesday morning, and a family that I want to be around for that lives three states away. And the one and only goal that I invested myself in reaching... isn't enough to make me happy anymore. In fact... it's making me miserable. And I have nothing else to replace it with.
*sigh* And is if that wasn't enough stress right there, I have my mother whispering in my ear that my biological clock is ticking and that if I wait another 3-5 years to return to NY (as I had planned), then it takes me 2-3 years to even make friends, much less find a boyfriend... do I really want to be starting a family at 37 or 38? *falls over* Like I needed that on top of all the other anxieties?? I don't even know that I want a husband (much less children) and now I'm supposed to rush to find one just so I'm not too old to do anything with one once I get him? What the hell is this, a drag race?
So what's the point of all this? I... I don't really know. I suppose I just needed to get it off of my chest and onto paper. I needed to get it out of me and into another medium so that I could see it clearly. I don't like making decisions under duress and I don't like being forced into life-altering ones because I'm running away from something less pleasant. And if I've succeeded in giving myself a little objectivity here, then I've accomplished what I set out to do. Thanks for the support. ^_^
And a ziesen Pesach to all those celebrating along with me tomorrow!
*eyes clock*
12:13 AM
*coughs*
...Make that today... *sheepish grin*
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no subject
Date: 2008-04-19 02:12 pm (UTC)It isn't fair when our well meaning family pressures us to remember we aren't getting any younger or tries to tell us when, how (and sometimes WHO), they want you to marry and live your life. After I turned 30 I met a wonderful man. He wants to marry me, but we have some problems such as him not being Jewish, so he hasn't even met my family yet. They don't know about him actually, which is going to give me an ulcer if it keeps up for too much longer. He's ready to meet them. I'm not ready to have him meet them because I'm a coward.
But! No matter what. This evening begins Pesach. Pesach is when we are supposed to remember how G-d brought our forefathers out of the land of Egypt. If not for that, we might still be slaves ourselves there, so no matter what we suffer in our day to day lives in America, we aren't slaves to anything but ourselves anymore. What's happening in Israel right now upsets me and makes me want to beat everybody up and make them remember the meaning of Pesach, but that's not the point of my ramble. The point is that for tonight we can rejoice. Not in what we don't have or have not yet accomplished, but in what we do have and what G-d has done for us, because if He could do THAT? He can certainly get us through our own wilderness ordeals.
Chag S'Meach!