eirenical | Yes... more deep thoughts (Reply)

So... I just had a two hour phone conversation with

nightsea, the likes of which we haven't had since high school. ^_^ I miss those sorts of phone conversations. *snuggles a

nightsea* The conversation ranged all the fuck over the place and was unbelievably cathartic. And you know something? Even though my throat is sore (2 1/2 hours of singing + 2 hours of talking will do that to you... O_o;;;)... I feel better, now.

Another dear friend and I talked earlier today and she made a comment likening my current emotional ambivalence to the stages of grief. And you know... she was kind of right. First we have denial... and oh boy, was I ever in denial. For about 4 months, I actually believed that I would be going back to work at the practice I left in December. It didn't dawn on me until about a month ago that that might not be the case. Once it did occur to me, I started saying things like, "Well, even if they want me back, I wouldn't want to go back... because they suck!" That's right: anger. And then I moved through the next few stages in pretty rapid succession: bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Bargaining: Well, even if I don't work here, I can get a job in another practice, right? Or in industry? Or somewhere else, right? Maybe? I know I'm not exactly qualified for those other jobs... but won't someone hire me anyway? Yeah... so far, bust. Depression? Yep. You guessed it -- hit that one the last few days and had it come to a head last night and this morning as I came to the realization that I might have to do something completely different (or at least get some further schooling -- or different schooling entirely :-P) to be happy.

And now... I've started coming to grips with the fact that that might not be the worst thing in the world. And it is just possible that in 2 years when I got back out of school again (assuming that time for a master's degree)... the job market just might be better or I'll at least be more marketable if it's not. Every cloud has a silver lining and all that. ^_^

So, even if I have to move into my parents' basement (almost a certainty at this point), even if I have to go back to school, even if I end up doing something that has nothing to do with being a veterinarian... there are worse things in this world and I certainly can't say that the time I've spent in this profession and training for this profession were a waste. I'd have spent those four years in college regardless. And if I hadn't done what I did, I'd never have known Jess and Tina. I'd have lived the years I was in vet school, too -- only if I hadn't lived them in vet school, I'd never have known Alice D: *gasp* D:, or Lynn or any of my other friends from Kansas all of whom I adore. I'd never have had Lilly. And these last five years? Not a waste either. I've done some good. I've made some friends. I've saved more than a few lives. And Gabriel and Lucky (my nudnik of a cat and my parents basketcase of a dog ^_^) might never have had homes if I hadn't been there. So... it certainly wasn't all bad and it wasn't all a waste. And if I end up leaving it all behind and moving on to a different chapter in my life... well, would that be so horrible? I have a family who loves me and is willing to support me and that is a freakin' awesome thing.

Besides, I'm female. I have a mind so I can change it, right? ^_~

*coughs* Anyway, really just wanted to say... "Feeling better, I think the angsting is done... for now. Thanks for listening. Peace."

Ja!