Anxiety Woes
May. 29th, 2015 11:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
eirenicalFor those of you who were around and offered kind words during my freak out last night, thank you and I’m sorry I didn’t respond. *sigh* Really the whole thing was just so stupid.
So, the teacher for my summer class is REALLY into MBTI, like a LOT. And I am very carefully not going to mention that a lot of the science behind it has been debunked, because the truth is, not everything has to be science. Just like astrology or Hogwarts houses, MBTI is the culmination of a collection of observations of human behavior that can help you to understand a person better. Used in that way, there is some definite truth behind it. Just like when I tell someone “I’m a Hufflepuff with a dash of Ravenclaw thrown in” anyone who knows Harry Potter will understand something about me -- both from the reference and from the fact that I identify with those sets of descriptions. Do you know everything about me? No, of course not. But you know something and that something may help you understand my motivations or behaviors and maybe even help you cater my learning to me (the purpose of our explorations of MBTI in this class in the first place).
So, just as knowing that I'm a Hufflepuff with a dash of Ravenclaw helps a certain subset of people understand a bit about me, so too does knowing that I'm an INFJ help another subset. Here's the thing though -- when you identify as a thing long enough, any change is scary. The first time I tested as a Ravenclaw on a HP Quiz, I freaked the fuck out. Then I realized... no. That's not entirely wrong. There IS a little Ravenclaw in me -- but I'm still a Hufflepuff, through and through.
So back to my INFJness. I learned some years ago that there are times when, for example, it's not helpful to be an introvert. If you're a veterinarian and you want clients to like you and open up to you and want to come back to you, you need to be at least a little bit of an extrovert. So I learned to act like one. And I learned to do it SO WELL that when they made us take an MBTI test at work... I tested as an ENFJ. Which... EH??? Like WTF? I am the most introvert to ever introvert, so how the fuck did that even happen? Well, I"ll tell you how it happened. I was settled so deeply into my work persona when I took that test that I answered questions, completely unconsciously, as if that really was who I was. So... ENFJ.
But apart from that anomoly, I consistently came up as an INFJ every time. Until a few months ago, when randomly, every now and then, I started coming up an INFP. Which, again... eh? So, I read the INFP descriptions and after some sober reflection realized... yeah. That's a part of me, too. It's the idealistic part of me who wishes she could hide in her happy inner world and make art and beautiful writing and dream and forget about all the practicalities of life that she normally can't ignore. In a way, it's who I WISH I was.
But, again, when I read the descriptions... not me. Not really.
I'm still an INFJ, all the way.
So, last night, in the rushed last 10 minutes of class, after I'd given a presentation earlier in the evening and was still coming down off that, we took the MBTI test... and I came up an ISFJ.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS FUCKERY?
Like... after an entire night filled with anxiety and having technology fuck up with me in the middle of a presentation and having my teacher pacing around behind my chair and calling me out as an example of someone she ~wouldn't~ call out because I'm an introvert and that would make me uncomfortable (seriously EH? :-P)... to have that happen was NOT welcome.
See, I have both the blessing and the curse of knowing my own mind VERY well. I take pride in that. I take comfort from that. My mind is occasionally a very fucked up place to be, but I could walk its corridors blindfolded, I know it that well. So when things appear there that I don't expect -- "Oh hey, maybe we're not really as straight as we thought we were?" or "So, actually you're a Ravenclaw... maybe?" or "SO HOW ABOUT WE THROW ANOTHER MBTI TYPE INTO THE MIX FOR YOU, AS IF YOU WEREN'T OFF KILTER ENOUGH, WOULDN'T THAT BE FUN?" -- well... I panic.
And panic like that in public, in class, IN FRONT OF A TEACHER... is mortifying to me on every possible level. And I was doing my best to bury that reaction, but I couldn't and someo of it must have showed, because I could see in her eyes that she realized something wasn't right (which made me panic MORE), and that she needed to say something reassuring because I was reacting in a way she hadn't expected to finding out my MBTI type... so she gives me a reassuring smile and says, "But consider, MBTI types can change as we get older and you know... I could see you as an ISFJ."
Which was EXACTLY the wrong thing to say.
Because 1) I already have too much upheaval going on in my life because of my brain doing things without my permission or knowledge and -- i didn't figure out this last bit until I'd had time to reflect on it, but.. 2) SHE'S KNOWN ME FOR A WEEK AND A HALF. SHE'S SPENT A TOTAL OF 6 HOURS OF MY LIFE WITH ME. WTF DOES SHE KNOW?
And more importantly, she's spent 6 hours with me where I am 1) turned on in a slightly more extrovert mode for public consumption and 2) being the little goody-two-shoes I always am in school. So, the "me" that she could see as an ISFJ is yet another construct me that I've created to deal with potentially anxiety-inducing situations like school. She's a part of me, yes, but ultimately SHE'S NOT WHO I AM. She's NOT REAL. So, I'm sure I can come across as an ISFJ in class, because it's a deliberate act on my part TO APPEAR THAT WAY.
In short... you don't fucking know me at all, so please shut your trap?
So, she must have realized that this was a deeper hole she'd put her foot into than she expected, so she told me to retake it when I got home and let her know the results. So, once I'd calmed down enough to do it, I read the description for ISFJs and went, OK, yeah, I do recognize elements of that in me, but more improtantly, I recognize elements of my constructed school personality, so I was right -- NOT ME. Then I read the INFJ description and with the exception of one tiny detail... that's still me TO THE LETTER. So, I retook the test and sure enough... INFJ, and pretty darned strongly, too.
At which point, I was pretty much just done with fucking EVERYTHING because my stomach decided to react to stress the way it always does these days and threw a shit fit that lasted almost until this morning, so I just curled up on my couch and watched episodes of the Tudors until I was tired enough to go to bed.
*sigh*
I just need ONE. FUCKING. SEMESTER. that doesn't leave me an anxiety ridden mess. Can we go back to when that wasn't a thing, please? Please?
So, the teacher for my summer class is REALLY into MBTI, like a LOT. And I am very carefully not going to mention that a lot of the science behind it has been debunked, because the truth is, not everything has to be science. Just like astrology or Hogwarts houses, MBTI is the culmination of a collection of observations of human behavior that can help you to understand a person better. Used in that way, there is some definite truth behind it. Just like when I tell someone “I’m a Hufflepuff with a dash of Ravenclaw thrown in” anyone who knows Harry Potter will understand something about me -- both from the reference and from the fact that I identify with those sets of descriptions. Do you know everything about me? No, of course not. But you know something and that something may help you understand my motivations or behaviors and maybe even help you cater my learning to me (the purpose of our explorations of MBTI in this class in the first place).
So, just as knowing that I'm a Hufflepuff with a dash of Ravenclaw helps a certain subset of people understand a bit about me, so too does knowing that I'm an INFJ help another subset. Here's the thing though -- when you identify as a thing long enough, any change is scary. The first time I tested as a Ravenclaw on a HP Quiz, I freaked the fuck out. Then I realized... no. That's not entirely wrong. There IS a little Ravenclaw in me -- but I'm still a Hufflepuff, through and through.
So back to my INFJness. I learned some years ago that there are times when, for example, it's not helpful to be an introvert. If you're a veterinarian and you want clients to like you and open up to you and want to come back to you, you need to be at least a little bit of an extrovert. So I learned to act like one. And I learned to do it SO WELL that when they made us take an MBTI test at work... I tested as an ENFJ. Which... EH??? Like WTF? I am the most introvert to ever introvert, so how the fuck did that even happen? Well, I"ll tell you how it happened. I was settled so deeply into my work persona when I took that test that I answered questions, completely unconsciously, as if that really was who I was. So... ENFJ.
But apart from that anomoly, I consistently came up as an INFJ every time. Until a few months ago, when randomly, every now and then, I started coming up an INFP. Which, again... eh? So, I read the INFP descriptions and after some sober reflection realized... yeah. That's a part of me, too. It's the idealistic part of me who wishes she could hide in her happy inner world and make art and beautiful writing and dream and forget about all the practicalities of life that she normally can't ignore. In a way, it's who I WISH I was.
But, again, when I read the descriptions... not me. Not really.
I'm still an INFJ, all the way.
So, last night, in the rushed last 10 minutes of class, after I'd given a presentation earlier in the evening and was still coming down off that, we took the MBTI test... and I came up an ISFJ.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS FUCKERY?
Like... after an entire night filled with anxiety and having technology fuck up with me in the middle of a presentation and having my teacher pacing around behind my chair and calling me out as an example of someone she ~wouldn't~ call out because I'm an introvert and that would make me uncomfortable (seriously EH? :-P)... to have that happen was NOT welcome.
See, I have both the blessing and the curse of knowing my own mind VERY well. I take pride in that. I take comfort from that. My mind is occasionally a very fucked up place to be, but I could walk its corridors blindfolded, I know it that well. So when things appear there that I don't expect -- "Oh hey, maybe we're not really as straight as we thought we were?" or "So, actually you're a Ravenclaw... maybe?" or "SO HOW ABOUT WE THROW ANOTHER MBTI TYPE INTO THE MIX FOR YOU, AS IF YOU WEREN'T OFF KILTER ENOUGH, WOULDN'T THAT BE FUN?" -- well... I panic.
And panic like that in public, in class, IN FRONT OF A TEACHER... is mortifying to me on every possible level. And I was doing my best to bury that reaction, but I couldn't and someo of it must have showed, because I could see in her eyes that she realized something wasn't right (which made me panic MORE), and that she needed to say something reassuring because I was reacting in a way she hadn't expected to finding out my MBTI type... so she gives me a reassuring smile and says, "But consider, MBTI types can change as we get older and you know... I could see you as an ISFJ."
Which was EXACTLY the wrong thing to say.
Because 1) I already have too much upheaval going on in my life because of my brain doing things without my permission or knowledge and -- i didn't figure out this last bit until I'd had time to reflect on it, but.. 2) SHE'S KNOWN ME FOR A WEEK AND A HALF. SHE'S SPENT A TOTAL OF 6 HOURS OF MY LIFE WITH ME. WTF DOES SHE KNOW?
And more importantly, she's spent 6 hours with me where I am 1) turned on in a slightly more extrovert mode for public consumption and 2) being the little goody-two-shoes I always am in school. So, the "me" that she could see as an ISFJ is yet another construct me that I've created to deal with potentially anxiety-inducing situations like school. She's a part of me, yes, but ultimately SHE'S NOT WHO I AM. She's NOT REAL. So, I'm sure I can come across as an ISFJ in class, because it's a deliberate act on my part TO APPEAR THAT WAY.
In short... you don't fucking know me at all, so please shut your trap?
So, she must have realized that this was a deeper hole she'd put her foot into than she expected, so she told me to retake it when I got home and let her know the results. So, once I'd calmed down enough to do it, I read the description for ISFJs and went, OK, yeah, I do recognize elements of that in me, but more improtantly, I recognize elements of my constructed school personality, so I was right -- NOT ME. Then I read the INFJ description and with the exception of one tiny detail... that's still me TO THE LETTER. So, I retook the test and sure enough... INFJ, and pretty darned strongly, too.
At which point, I was pretty much just done with fucking EVERYTHING because my stomach decided to react to stress the way it always does these days and threw a shit fit that lasted almost until this morning, so I just curled up on my couch and watched episodes of the Tudors until I was tired enough to go to bed.
*sigh*
I just need ONE. FUCKING. SEMESTER. that doesn't leave me an anxiety ridden mess. Can we go back to when that wasn't a thing, please? Please?
