(no subject)

I'm going to make this brief, because I'm a bit too emotionally drained to make a production of it. I think I need to write it down to make it real, so please bear with me.

On Saturday morning, a very dear friend of our family finally lost her 13 1/2 year battle with ovarian cancer. The funeral was today and her three sons are sitting shiva today and tomorrow. I remember thinking, once upon a time, that today would never come. Every time she came out of remission, she got treated with chemo or radiation and back into remission she went. We played that ping-pong game for about 12 years. I figured we'd go on playing it for another twelve. No way could this thing ever beat her -- after all, look how long it's tried already, right?

I was wrong. About a year and a half ago, she came out of remission for the last time and quickly began deteriorating. I won't give you the details. Suffice it to say that it was slow, it was painful, it was humiliating and degrading and no one should ever have to die like that. These last few months she hardly ever got through to the end of the day without being in severe pain, total fear and with complete memory of what had occurred. It was painful to watch. More painful still because, like a child, I let my mother shield me from it. I should have learned after my cousin's death two years ago that life is short and can be taken away without notice. I should have learned not to miss a chance to say "Goodbye." I learned, but not well enough. For the first 2 months that I was home, I allowed my mother to put me off. "We'll see her next week." "Oh, you were asleep. I'll take you next time." And so on, and so forth. By the time my sister and I finally asserted our desire well enough to make it stick, I know she didn't enjoy the visit. She could barely talk to us and by the time we returned home she didn't even remember that we had been there. One week later, she was dead.

And the final dilemma: my own feelings. Am I sad that she's gone? Terribly. Do I wish that she'd fought through this one last relapse into another remission? Every day. Would I have changed the events of last Saturday? And here the kicker... No. A resounding no.

Maybe it's wrong. Saying that death is the right thing for someone. But I can't help but wonder how it felt to be trapped in a body that could no longer do any of the things that one loves to do -- even tell one's children that they love them. I can't help but wonder if it's better to be with G-d and away from all the fear. I can't help but wonder if, after fighting so long and so well, it isn't better to rest and reap your just rewards. I don't know the answer. I don't think anyone does. But I know in my heart that she's happier where she is now than where she's been the last few months. I know that she is no longer in pain and no longer in fear. And I know that however many years from now that it takes, she'll be waiting for me with a beach towel and a smile on her face, ready to go enjoy the waves and the sun. I choose to believe that, to have faith in that. The other alternatives are far too painful.

*watery chuckle* Look at that, even when I'm brief, I'm long-winded. Yeesh. I think it's time to go to bed. *sigh*

And in transliteration, because I can't do Hebrew characters on my computer:

Yisgadal veyiskadash shemei raba bealma divera chireusei, veyamlich malchusei bechayeichon uveyomeichon uvechaei dechol beis Yisraeil, baagala uvizeman kariv, veimeru: amein.

Yehei shemei raba mevarach lealam ulealmei almaya.

Yisbarach, veyishtabach, veyispaar veyisromam veyisnasei, veyishadar veyisaleh veyishalal shemei dekudesha, berish hu, leeila min kol birechata veshirata, tushbechata venechemata, daamiran bealma, veimeru: amein.

Yehei shelama raba min shemaya vechayim aleinu veal kol Yisraeil, veimeru: amein.

Oseh shalom bimeromav, hu yaaseh shalom aleinu veal kol Yisraeil, veimeru: amein.

Let the glory of G-d be extolled, let His great name be hallowed, in the world who creation He willed. May His kingdom soon prevail, in our own day, our own lives, and the life of all Israel, and let us say: Amen.

Let his great name be blessed for ever and ever.

Let the name of the Holy One, blessed is He, be glorified, exalted, and honored, though He is beyond all the praises, songs, and adorations that we can utter, and let us say: Amen.

For us and for all Israel, may the blessing of peace and the promise of life come true, and let us say: Amen.

May He who causes peace to reign in the high heavens, let peace descend on us, on all Israel, and all the world, and les us say: Amen.

*quietly* Amen.