[TB/X/CCD] Spring
Feb. 2nd, 2005 02:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
eirenicalSo, since it's been a while, here's the whole fic, including the prologue.
Prologue
Spring. A season of birth, of regrowth, of awakening. So why is it that it makes me feel so very dead? Is it perhaps the barrenness in my own soul? The arid soil of my mind where nothing green can ever grow? The inner grave where my innocence, my emotions, my very self now lies? I don't know. Perhaps I never will.
People have tried to take hoe and spade to my inner desert, tried to water it, force it to bring forth life. No one has yet succeeded. I love no one. I care for no one. I don't think I even can. Ice cold beauty. Untouchable and untouched. Forever pristine and perfect.
Perhaps that's why this child intrigues me so. In him I sense that same pristine perfection, that same porcelain white beauty. He is so young, so very innocent... I want to possess him. I want him to be mine and mine alone. I want to pour my soul into his and in so doing have a form of bitter company in the graveyard of my heart. I want to see that innocence corrupted, soiled, darkened by blood.
I want to make him my successor.
The thought is a shock to me. No one has ever been able to pull such a feeling of desire from me. No man, no woman, no child. I don't understand it -- is this what it means to feel? This uncertainty, this lack of confidence, this total void where control once was?
I see now. I have always known why the Sakurazukamori must be emotionless, passionless, empty and devoid of human desires. One can not do what I do and be human. I have also known why the Sakurazukamori must choose their own successor. For who else would recognize the potential in another to be what we are? Who else would be able to hone and refine such a being?
But now... Now I understand why the final step in becoming the Sakura Barrow Guardian is to slay the one who taught you. It is because in finding your successor... you begin to feel. The barren land of your soul begins to flow with water, begins to lay the seeds that will eventually blossom into spring. And in teaching your successor, grooming him to take your place, you take his emotions into yourself, like sucking the poison from an infected wound. And when he is finally pristine and as barren as you once were... what else can he do but slay the one who has become the receptacle for his emotions? What else can he do but destroy the one who is no longer worthy to guard, no longer worthy to bear the name? There is no other way for such a training to end.
I see this. And now, after all my time as Sakurazukamori, I finally understand it. I want this child. I think... I think I may even want to love him. And that will come with time. And as my own love grows, his will diminish until he feels nothing. Nothing for me, nothing for those around him... until it is his own time to feel what I feel.
But for now... I smile and crush the camellia blossom that I have been idly twirling between my fingers. The child had been sitting with his mother at the site of a fresh new grave -- not one of my making, but appropriate none the less. Now he sits alone. His mother, though her body remains, is no longer by his side. He is afraid. He shakes the woman's body, pleading with her to open her eyes. Begging for her not to leave him.
There will be no answer from her.
In her stead, I drop lightly down from the branch upon which I have been perched and settle down beside the child. A light brush against the woman's dead soul as it passed into the sakura told me the one thing I needed to know.
I brush my hand against the child's cheek, inadvertently smearing blood across that porcelain whiteness to mingle with his tears. I smile and kiss his forehead, "Seishirou-kun... Would you like to play a game...?"
Spring
I’ve learned my lessons well, ‘Kaasan. Very well. I am a most efficient killer. I have voided my soul of emotion. So why... why do I feel this jealousy? Why am I so angry? I don’t understand ‘Kaasan... Why did you let him touch you?
Seishirou stared down at the bed where his mother slept, a deep frown lining his adolescent face. It had been ten years since he had come to live with the Sakurazukamori. Ten years since he had accepted her as his mother in place of his own. Ten years since he had begun his training. Ten years that it had been just the two of them. Setsuka and Seishirou. No one else.
In the beginning, his ‘kaasan had been so cold, so unfeeling. She felt only surface emotions, showed only surface reactions. She didn’t understand when he cried. She didn’t understand when he laughed. She didn’t understand a lot of things. Then things changed. When Seishirou was six and presented her with his first kill -- a brightly colored songbird -- she had smiled. A true smile. She had been glad, had felt true joy. Seishirou had felt it. After that, it was as though a floodgate had burst open. Even as Seishirou’s own soul had grown colder, hers grew warmer. With each passing day, she showed a little more emotion, felt a little more deeply. Until this final and ultimate act of betrayal.
Staring down at his ‘kaasan, the rage swept through him once more. She was lying right there, right in front of him, and yet it felt like he’d been abandoned. It felt as though he was all alone in the world. And why? For some man with a handsome face. It wasn’t fair! Setsuka-mama was his and his alone. She didn’t belong to that man. So why hadn’t she fought him off? Why hadn’t she killed him? Why let him touch her like that? Why...?
Seishirou wasn’t even aware that he’d been speaking out loud until Setsuka opened her eyes and stared up at him in disbelief. Her eyes were full of such innocent shock and surprise that it nearly made him ill. “Seishirou...?” She sat up, pulling the blankets up around her as though that could hide what she’d done. “What are you doing here?”
Seishirou’s hands clenched into fists at his side. He strove for tranquility, for emotionlessness, and failed utterly. Cheeks burning with that failure and very aware that he looked like the child he still was, Seishirou could barely get the words out, “’Kaasan... You... and he... Why, ‘Kaasan? Just tell me why.”
She leaned forward, right hand still holding up the sheet, left hand extended towards him. An expression of such tenderness crossed her face as that hand came to rest against his cheek. Her voice was an even gentler caress than her hand, “Seishirou...” A whisper, a mere sigh, hardly more than that. His name. And in spite of his resolve, in spite of his anger, in spite of his jealousy... he melted. Like always. He couldn’t refuse her anything when she spoke his name like that, as though it were the most important word in all the worlds. He sank down to sit before her on the bed, his hands clutching hers to his cheek like a lifeline. And then she smiled.
She dropped her eyes, a demure, distracted look on her face that clearly didn’t belong there. Her voice, soft as the gentle murmur of a brook, broke over him, “Seishirou, I don’t expect you to understand. You’re too young still. But there are some desires that one does not escape, even if one is the Sakurazukamori. Some day you will understand this.”
Cheeks still burning, though now for an entirely different reason, Seishirou mumbled, “’Kaasan... I know about sex and hormones. I’m thirteen, not three. I just... I don’t understand...”
Understanding flooded her eyes, “You don’t understand why this happened now, with this man?”
Relief surged through him. Relief, that she understood and he wouldn’t have to try to explain further, “Yes.”
Another soft caress. Then she rose, pulling the sheets along with her, and began to gather her clothes. Just before stepping behind the dressing screen, she offered him an impish grin, “He was there and I wanted him.”
As he waited patiently for his ‘Kaasan to finish dressing, Seishirou thought about that answer. ~He was there.~ So simple. His ‘Kaasan wanted something and she took it. It was the way she lived her entire life. It was how she came to adopt him, as well. Seishirou suspected by now that his birth mother’s soul resided in the sakura, but had yet to figure out a way to ask Setsuka about it. And it didn’t matter. Not really. Setsuka was his mother now, and she had taught him well. Want. Take. It was really that easy. Seishirou was beginning to understand.
Setsuka stepped back out from behind the dressing screen, once again the picture perfect image of the Japanese woman. With her ankle-length black hair, her serene onyx eyes, her dainty frame... she was any Japanese man’s dream. And dressed in full kimono, she could have easily stepped out of some fairy tale of times long gone. She didn’t belong in this modern world, his ‘kaasan. He wondered sometimes if she realized how out of place she was. He wondered even more frequently if she even cared.
Knowing full well that she was being examined and admired, Setsuka perform a slightly girlish twirl. Seishirou smiled and stood, holding his arms out. She floated into them and brushed his cheek with a butterfly kiss. She raised her eyes to meet his and cupped his face in her hands, “Seishirou... Seishirou... I don’t want you to be unhappy. You mean so much more to me than anything else, than anyone else. Shall I kill him for you?”
A rush of joy as intense as his earlier rage left Seishirou giddy, “’Kaasan... You would do that for me?”
A giggle, “Consider it done, my love. He will not live to see another sunrise.” And with those last light words, she was gone.
It wasn’t until several more months had passed that Seishirou understand how complete his ‘kaasan’s betrayal had actually been. Five more months, to be precise. And Seishirou was always precise. With her body as slim as a willow, he was shocked that she’d managed to hide it for so long. Now, however, there was no question. He could see it in her eyes as she told him. His voice burst free from his chest, an outraged protest that did not belong on the lips of the future Sakurazukamori, “How can you be pregnant?”
She even had the audacity to giggle at him, “In the usual way, Seishirou. I slept with a man.” Her eyes tracked away from his as though watching something off in the distance, “I slept with a man and then I killed him. Ironic, don’t you think, that this child came into the world in the same hour that his father left it?”
In the same hour...? Seishirou’s vision filled with red. That man. That golden-haired, rich, politically important little punk. The one who had dared to touch his ‘kaasan. The one that she had killed to heal the breach that his presence had formed. But how could she heal the rift that this would cause? Seishirou felt his heart grow a little colder. He couldn’t even suggest an abortion. Not now. If his ‘kaasan had intended to be rid of this child, she’d have destroyed it already. No. For whatever reason, his ‘kaasan had made a conscious decision to hold on to this baby. But why?
Setsuka paced quietly forward until the long sleeves of her kimono brushed against his uniform pants. Seishirou forced himself to stand his ground as she raised her hands to cup his face, “Seishirou... Why are you jealous? This is one thing that I have yet to understand. This child will not take your place. You are to be the Sakurazukamori. You are to be my successor. It is you who will have the honor of killing me and taking my place when you are ready. This baby... he is a mere distraction. Something I have been curious about and wished to experience for myself.” She pulled his head down until he was forced to meet her eyes, “Want, Take, Seishirou. I explained it to you. This is nothing more than that. A moment’s flight of fancy, nothing more. Do you understand?”
Seishirou forced himself to nod, despite the fact that he most certainly did not understand. How could this child be anything but a rival? How could his ‘kaasan stand there and proclaim that he would mean nothing when she was giving of her own body to bring him to life? And deeply buried underneath these burning questions was another, one he hardly dared acknowledge, even to himself. How could she stand there and boldly profess that she cared nothing for this child that she would carry in her womb for nine months and then claim to love him, a child not of her loins, in the next breath? What did he really mean to his ‘kaasan? She had killed for him, more than once. She had clothed him, fed him and trained him, but what did he really mean to her? Was he just another trophy on her wall? A necessity? A mere convenience? Did she even understand what it meant to love?
Stomach churning with the force of these questions, Seishirou took his leave. He couldn’t be near her right now. He didn’t want to see the rounded belly. He didn’t want to see that happy glow in her eyes and know that he hadn’t been its cause. He didn’t want to think that in a scant four months, his life as he knew it would end. But most importantly, he didn’t want her to see the shining wetness in the corners of his eyes. Because if no one else saw it, then he could convince himself that it wasn’t there. Because he was to be the Sakurazukamori... and the Sakurazukamori didn’t cry.
Seishirou stood in his ‘kaasan’s garden, slowly and methodically shredding a camellia blossom. In the last four months, things had changed. As with the time of his first kill -- the first time his ‘kaasan had understood what it meant to feel joy -- a floodgate had burst. Only this time it was the gate that held his own emotions inside. He still felt things, but not as deeply and not as often. He still cared for his ‘kaasan, but not the deep, abiding filial love of an only child. He cared for her as the woman who had nurtured him throughout his life. He cared for her as the Sakurazukamori, the ideal that every member of his clan looked up to and respected. But the all-encompassing love for her that had dominated the last 10 years of his life... was gone. It was strange, this feeling of apathy. He had never understood how freeing it was not to feel. He did now.
But there were some things, some emotions, that he still was not rid of. Though the love he had felt for his ‘kaasan was gone, the jealousy and anger that he felt towards her child was not. For some reason, negative emotions were easier to hold on to than positive ones. And he felt them, still, in abundance.
He scowled down at the shredded petals in his hands. It wasn’t fair. Things had been perfect before. Why did it have to change? And it was bound to be even worse, now. One month ago his ‘kaasan had announced that she was leaving, taking a short sabbatical from her responsibilities. Unspoken was the real reason she was leaving. She was going away to give birth to her child. The child that she didn’t care for. The child who wouldn’t take his place. The child who didn’t matter.
~Seishirou, you’ll be all right alone for a few months, won’t you?~
He had received word from the main house that his ‘kaasan had given birth to a baby boy early this morning... or late last night, depending on how one counted these things. It was Saturday, June 16th, 1979, at precisely midnight, that Setsuka’s son had been brought into this world. He was blonde haired, blue eyed, and as inhumanly beautiful as his mother. She named him Imonoyama -- the one concession that she would make to acknowledge his father -- and she named him Nokoru... “the one left behind”. A strange choice for a name.
Seishirou hadn’t even met the boy, but he hated him already.
He stormed back into the house, leaving a path of shredded camellia blossoms and torn pieces of a color photograph in his wake.
He was perfect. Every inch of him was perfect. Every feature, every facet, from his insipid smile to the baby down fall of his golden hair, from his cerulean blue eyes to his delicate peach skin... he looked like an angel. Seishirou hated him on sight. He wanted to see that delicate skin shredded to pieces. He wanted to see red blood leaking from those perfect blue eyes. He wanted to tear out that baby blonde hair by the roots. He wanted to listen to the ecstasy of this little one’s screams as he tore out his still beating heart.
But when Setsuka smiled broadly at him and asked him what he thought, his only response was a curt, “He’s cute.”
Setsuka took one hand away from where it was supporting her son and raised it to touch Seishirou’s cheek. Her eyes... those eyes held regret. She knew what she’d done, now. She knew how badly she’d hurt him. She knew how alone he’d felt. She knew how much he hated that fragile baby curled obliviously into her breast. But it was too late. The damage had been done. And Seishirou, at last, could recognize that it had been necessary. He would not have been able to do what was required of him if he’d still felt as strongly for her as he had in the beginning. It would be easier now... easier to let go when the time came. For some reason that didn’t ease his mind.
She lightly caressed his cheek, the regret in her eyes deepening to sorrow. Her voice was husky with it as she spoke, “You want me to tell you that I would take this back if I could, that I would go back to the way things were. I can’t do that, Seishirou... and I’m sorry for it. I know this is hard for you and I’m sorry for that, too. I love you and I never wanted to cause you pain.” Her black eyes darkened, hardening into ice as she pressed her nails into the soft flesh of his cheek. Her voice came out in a hiss, “But understand this... That love will not protect you if you ever harm my son. Ever, Seishirou.”
He stared into her eyes, hoping for... he knew not what. Softening? Reprieve? Some sign of the mother he’d once loved? He found no trace of her. This woman... she was unknown to him. She loved him still -- the tears threatening to spill from her eyes declared that clearly enough -- but right now, he was secondary. She was acknowledging that no matter how deeply she felt for him, she would hurt him to protect her son. She was also acknowledging his strength. This threat... it had grown from fear, fear that he not only would hurt her son, but that he could.
And with that realization... everything changed. The Sakurazukamori feared him. And the Sakurazukamori feared no one. That meant that he was now a force to be reckoned with and he hadn't even noticed the change. It must have been a gradual one to have snuck up on him unawares. But that hardly mattered. All that mattered is that it had happened. Seishirou straightened his back and allowed his eyes to fill with the knowledge of his own strength.
Setsuka dropped her hand from his cheek, her own eyes reflecting his newfound confidence, but she gave no more ground than that. She would not. Seishirou understood. For the first time in nearly 11 years, the Sakurazukamori was meeting him on equal ground. He was no longer her child, no longer her pet project. He was her successor, and now, finally worthy of the respect that title should earn him. And as she acknowledged that, so he must now acknowledge her. His voice was cold, colder than he'd ever used on his 'kaasan before, "I understand, Setsuka-san. I understand very well. I will not harm your son. I will not touch a single hair on his golden head." Seeing her begin to relax, Seishirou's mouth stretched into a wide smile. She thought that he would shrink back from her threats. She thought that she had won. She was wrong. With a condescending quirk to his lips, he finished off his promise, "Imonoyama Nokoru will be safe from me... for as long as you continue to draw breath."
Setsuka's face drained of color -- due to anger or fear, only she could have said. But she understood his threat. And she knew now how short her time with her child was to be. She had to separate herself from him before Seishirou's training was complete. She had to tuck him away somewhere where her successor could not easily reach. A single tear slipped from the corner of her right eye as she met Seishirou's cold glare, "You will not harm my child, Seishirou. No matter what threats you make now, you will not harm him."
Seishirou's smile turned amused, "And how will you protect him from me, 'kaasan? He will be helpless and you will be fodder for the sakura. One way or another, I will have him in the end."
The Sakurazukamori calmly shook her head, "Do not make the mistake of thinking that you have learned everything I have to teach you just because you are gaining in strength, Seishirou-kun. There is always a way, and I am very persistent. I will find it." She stepped in closer, her body separated from his by only a few layers of cloth. She trapped Seishirou's gaze in her own and Seishirou felt himself falling into its dark depths. The next words she spoke had been spoken before, but this time they were a quiet growl and Seishirou shuddered at the sheer force behind them. This time, he paid them heed.
"You will not harm my child, Seishirou-kun. Ever. I will see to that."
Springtime. Why did it have to be springtime? It was a beautiful day: the sun was shining, the flowers were blooming, the birds were chirping and all was right with the world. It made Seishirou sick. Truth to tell, he'd never been a big fan of springtime. It had probably once had something to do with losing both of his birth-parents at this time of year. Now it had more to do with the fact that he was forced to go on these accursed, farcical parodies of a family picnic.
Seishirou winced as the blonde-haired child next to him let out another burbling laugh. Once upon a time, he'd thought that he might get used to the presence of this child in his life. Once upon a time, he'd thought that he might someday forgive his 'kaasan for the betrayal that this child represented. Once upon a time, he'd thought that his 'kaasan's assurances that this child wouldn't change how she felt about him were true. No more. This child had made their family into the one thing that he had thought it could never become.
Domestic.
They went on picnics. They went on outings to the mall. They ate at family style restaurants. They had a puppy, for crying out loud.
Well... they'd had a puppy. A smile stretched wide in Seishirou's mind. Poor little Nokoru-kun had been so sad when the puppy had died. So very sad. Seishirou had slept well that night for the first time in months. Poor 'kaasan had been torn between being upset for her son's sake... and being proud for her protégé's. After all... there hadn't been a mark on the poor animal. Seishirou had grown skilled in his work. The part of her that was still his 'kaasan -- still the Sakurazukamori -- had to admire that. But, she hadn't tried to bring another pet into the household.
But still... there were the endless outings and picnics and cooing over the baby and it was enough to drive one mad. He all but winced when Setsuka smiled over at him from her spot on the blanket. "Seishirou, would you like some more rice?"
Firmly telling the wince to stay internal, he turned a radiant smile towards his 'kaasan. He'd gotten good at hiding his misery behind a mask of congeniality. It kept his 'kaasan unguarded. It kept them all unguarded. It would make his eventual revenge that much easier... "Why, thank you. The food is quite delicious. I do believe you've outdone yourself this time, 'kaasan."
Her smile widened with simple joy at his praise. Amazing how he'd never noticed how much his opinion mattered to his 'kaasan. It was almost funny, really. All that time that he'd thought he meant nothing to Setsuka, simply because she'd decided to have a child... he'd really had no idea. He'd never seen... Even when completely absorbed with her new toy, it was Seishirou that she turned to for everything that mattered. It was Seishirou that she shared her most important treasures with. He hadn't believed her when she'd told him that a child was nothing compared to her chosen successor. He believed her now.
But, of course... now was too late. The part of him that might have capitulated and welcomed his 'kaasan back into his heart with open arms was gone. Long gone. He was no longer capable of such emotion. Anger, jealousy, irritation... these he could still feel. But the gentler, sweeter, warmer emotions of love, loyalty... joy... they were gone. They'd been gone for almost two years. And now it was almost a game, pretending that everything within him was normal, that nothing had really changed within him, that he was still the same child he'd been when Setsuka brought her baby home. It was a challenge when everything else was beginning to seem dull.
It was a shame that even this game was beginning to pale. His 'kaasan would have been a formidable opponent if she weren't so continuously distracted by that brat of hers. Unfortunately, she was. It made him long for a new rival. Someone to strive against that wouldn't be distracted by anyone else. Someone who would be his... and his alone.
Subaru: Ah-choo! *wipes nose* *blinkblink* I get the oddest sensation that someone is talking about me...
R-chan: *laughs* For once... I think that says it all. *eg*
Questions, comments, concerns? Pineapples?
Nokoru: Pineapples? *twitch*
R-chan: What?
Nokoru: *sweatdrop* Nevermind.
R-chan: *aside* Man, I stink... Pigs are cute and all, but the smell stays with you forever... :-P
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squeeeee! <3
Date: 2005-02-02 09:27 pm (UTC)*scratch scratch*
*picks up microphone, and with scratchy sore throat voice manages to squeak out..*
"Did you ever know that you're my heeeeeeerrrrooooooooooooo..."
Re: squeeeee! <3
Date: 2005-02-02 09:43 pm (UTC)Re: squeeeee! <3
Date: 2005-02-02 10:28 pm (UTC)You know, little piggies are cute (and stinky) but baby lambs and goaties? They are THE cutest ever. *_*
Re: squeeeee! <3
Date: 2005-02-02 10:31 pm (UTC)