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eirenicalI have just used Phonezoo to make all of my favorite songs from "Hair" into ringtones for my phone. Yes... yes, I am a total squealy fangirl. O_o;;; *sheepish grin*
Do I regret this? *beams* Not in the slightest.
And in other news? The rewrite of OB Part 3 is done and I have it back from the beta-reader! *cheers* Thank you, Yanagi-sen! *glomp* Enjoy!
Fandom: Fushigi Yuugi
Pairing: Tasuki x Nuriko, hints of Nuriko + Hotohori
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: This part -- more than double what it started as. O_O;;;
Warnings: Slash. Not mine. Don't sue.
Summary: "They took you in when you had nothing. They gave you a life you could be proud of. They gave you the opportunity to make something of yourself. Now that this chance has come, accepting it is the only way you can repay them." So begins Nuriko's journey to the capital of Konan. What awaits her on her travels, the people she will meet and the things she will learn about herself, they will change her life forever.
It was a subdued group that met in the courtyard that morning. The storm of the night before might have ended, but the bleak, heavy gray clouds overhead seemed to be a constant threat of more bad weather. If he'd had any hope of it clearing in the next few days, or any hope that Miaka would recover on her own, the Emperor would have postponed the journey. As it was, however, they had no choice in the matter. And really, aside from the rain, they had bigger problems.
Hotohori's biggest concern, apart from Miaka's health, was the state of their group of seishi. The strife and discord between they three could not continue as it was, but for now, Hotohori could not see a way clear to fixing it. After last night, he greatly feared that any hope of true peace between he and Nuriko was gone for good. Oh, the woman was acting amiable enough since she'd showed up this morning, but there was an icy chill in her eyes every time he or Tamahome attempted to engage her in conversation. The only one that she was being truly friendly and caring towards, ironically enough, was Suzaku no Miko... a girl she'd hated just a few days earlier. Miaka wasn't doing much better. She would not meet his eyes, was still shy of getting too close to him after the other night. She also seemed to have developed an aversion to Tamahome and he to her. It was enough to make the Emperor's head spin.
There was, unfortunately, no help for it. They had to make this journey and they had to make it together. He couldn't even send Miaka with a set of guards. He couldn't trust that that would be enough to keep her safe and it would slow them down. So... really there was no choice. In the interest of making peace, and to show everyone that for the purpose of this journey they would all be equals, Hotohori cupped his hands to offer Nuriko a leg up to her horse. He was surprised that she accepted... until she took the opportunity to "accidentally" kick him in the head. Hotohori heaved a huge sigh. It was going to be a long trip.
Nuriko couldn't help but smile as she noted the slight discoloration forming near the Emperor's left eye as he laid down to sleep that night. It had been a purely instinctual impulse, but one she'd been unable to ignore. After all, turnabout might be fair play... but payback was a bitch. Once he and Tamahome were settled into their sleeping rolls, Nuriko turned to the other side of camp to check on Miaka. The girl had walked off into the trees to relieve herself almost 5 minutes ago and had yet to return. Having decided to take her role of protector seriously, Nuriko found herself loathe to let the girl stumble around unaided, especially being as sick as she was.
After a few minutes of searching, she finally found the miko kneeling down with her head pressed against a tree, face flushed. She dropped down next to her and lightly gripped her shoulder, "Suzaku no miko?"
The girl turned to her, eyes somewhat glazed, "Nuriko?"
The Suzaku seishi sighed, "Of course, Miaka." The poor girl looked exhausted. Something was going to have to be done about all the tension between them before it frayed the girl further than it already had. She could do nothing about Miaka's worries over the Emperor other than keep the man away from her while she slept, but Tamahome... perhaps she could do something to fix the awkwardness between them. Not that Tamahome was her first choice for the miko's affection anymore, far from it, but she did seem honestly taken with him. If she could relieve some of the tension between them, it just might help. But how...?
Eyeing the girl's short skirt, she suppressed a shiver, "Miaka... I don't wish to question your sense of fashion, but perhaps on a night this chill you would do better to dress more warmly? I am certain I have enough clothing that we could share." Silently she added, And I wouldn't have to fight off the urge to gut him every time I caught the Emperor staring at those bare legs of yours...
Miaka offered her a brilliant smile, "Nuriko... that is so kind. Thank you, but I'll be all right. I don’t want to get you sick, as well."
A mischievous idea forming, Nuriko offered an alternative, "There is said to be a hot spring in these woods. Legend grants it healing properties. Perhaps that would help?"
The miko offered her a genuine smile and nodded. Nuriko pointed her in the right direction. Miaka ran off, pausing only long enough to throw an admonishment over her shoulder, "Don't tell Tamahome or Hotohori!"
Nuriko waved at the miko's retreating back, a glint in her eyes. Of course, not, Miaka-chan... I wouldn't dream of it. Instead, she did the next best thing. She just grabbed Tamahome by the ankle and dragged him to the opposite edge of the spring. She then made her way around to the spring source and picked up a dead log to release into the spring. Once the miko saw it coming her way and began screaming... the fun would begin. Climbing up into a nearby tree, Nuriko settled down to wait. She didn't have to wait long.
As Miaka saw the log approaching from upstream, she let out a mighty scream. Nuriko felt a twinge of guilt at the fear she clearly caused the girl, but a moment later she was ready to cheer. Tamahome did not disappoint. Hearing that shriek, he leapt from his bedroll and immediately dove after the foul beast that dared harm his miko. Nuriko about fell out of the tree, she was laughing so hard. It was positively amazing what the sleeping mind revealed about a man's true feelings. And sleep-befuddled as he was, when confronted by Miaka, he actually offered her the truth. Nuriko found her attitude towards the other seishi softening, for in that moment, he sounded so very young and more than a little bit lost himself.
When Tamahome had gone, Nuriko leapt lightly down from the tree and attempted to make a silent retreat. Apparently, she should have waited. That girl had ears like a cat! No sooner had Nuriko's feet touched the ground than Miaka was upon her. What she really didn't expect, however, was that immediately upon the heels of being accused of treachery, Miaka was hugging her and thanking her! Well... that reconciliation had gone well, but still, she didn't appreciate being manhandled like that.
As she tried to delicately extricate herself from the younger girl, Miaka only seemed to become more attached. She had a good grip on Nuriko's dress and was shaking her back and forth in her exuberance. Nuriko had but one brief moment to realize exactly how this could severely backfire... when it did exactly that. The tie around her waist had loosened from the shaking and the dress, being just a little too big, slid down her shoulders to bare her to mid-chest. Abruptly the shaking stopped. Nuriko's face did a slow burn.
Miaka, for her part, was staring at Nuriko's chest -- and what was clearly not there. She stammered a few syllables, none of which Nuriko caught, then abruptly jerked herself backwards with a little scream, "You're a man???"
For just a moment, Nuriko's mind completely froze. Never had he thought that this sort of thing could happen. People in this world kept a respectable distance from each other. They weren't like Suzaku no Miko, running around hugging and shaking and molesting each other! His mind running in frantic little circles, it took him several precious moments to come up with an answer. Forcing a lightness into his smile that he didn't truly feel, Nuriko gave Miaka one of "Kourin's" best Court laughs and said, "Yes, I'm a man. So what?"
Miaka's eyes narrowed and she said with suspicion, "But you're in love with the Emperor! And you kissed Tamahome!"
Nuriko continued to treat the subject as flippantly as he could, as though people in his world did this sort of thing all the time -- after all, for all the miko knew, they might. It was his only hope for salvation, to convince her that this was of such little consequence that she wouldn't feel the need to inform the Emperor of her little discovery. Giggling lightly into his hand he forced a twinkle into his eyes, "Well, of course. I've given up the path of manhood for love."
Miaka twitched at him for another several moments, then seemed to abruptly come to terms with what he had said, "Well... I suppose I can understand that." She offered him a conspiratory wink, "I've read my share of boys' love manga, you know. And in America, I've heard they turn men into women all the time."
If he weren't trying to play things so cool, Nuriko would have twitched at Miaka's abrupt acceptance. Men becoming women? They must have some powerful magic to accomplish that. But what really caused him confusion... "What do you mean, 'boys' love manga'?"
To his surprise, Miaka giggled and a small blush crept across her features, "Well, manga are books written in the form of picture stories." At Nuriko's continued confusion, she elaborated, "The author draws several pictures in sequence and writes the dialogue in with the pictures to tell the story." When she saw that Nuriko understood, she continued, "And manga that are 'boys' love' are romantic stories between two men. A lot of girls where I'm from secretly read them."
Nuriko felt a stab of envy so fierce it almost overwhelmed him. It was so unfair! If he lived in Miaka's world, not only could he and the Emperor have been together, there would have been no social stigma against it! He was forced to look away from the blushing girl, but did respond, "What a different world you live in, Suzaku no Miko. You wear skirts that bare your legs, you hug people who are not family, you will run around unchaperoned with a man... and the men in your world are free to love each other without fear of reprisal." To his surprise, Nuriko felt his voice getting rough with emotion, "I wish I could see such a place..."
Miaka, seeming to understand that this was not as carefree a subject as she had first thought, laid a gentle hand on Nuriko's shoulder. Her voice was full of sad understanding, "No wonder you're always so angry all the time. Does anyone else know?"
Nuriko shook his head, "No one who matters... besides you."
A note of awe crept into her voice, "Not even your servant?"
A choked laugh, "Especially not her. While I love Emi dearly, one of the reasons we get along so well is that she is a terrible gossip. I would never live it down if anyone at Court were to find out."
Miaka's small hand eased from Nuriko's shoulder to slide around his back and squeeze him lightly to her, "You must be so lonely..."
Nuriko let out another bitter laugh, "I never really gave much thought to it. I've been living this lie for so long, it began to feel like truth. And one in my position does not acquire many friends anyway. So how would I know the difference?"
Another squeeze, "Well, you will now. I meant what I said the other night -- I think you could use a friend and I'd like to be your first one. Friends keep each other's secrets, it's part of what makes them friends. But, if you ever want to talk to someone about it... well, that's another thing that friend's are good for."
And just as Miaka felt the need to borrow words from their other conversation, so too did Nuriko, "I really don't deserve you, Miaka... but I think I'll keep you just the same. Thank you."
Brushing a light kiss against her new friend's cheek, Miaka simply said, "You're welcome." She then gathered up her clothes and scampered off to dress and settle down for the night.
Nuriko, hand pressed to the cheek where he could still feel the warmth of Miaka's lips, looked up into the night sky and smiled, "You were right as usual Kourin... I think I do like her. Good night, imouto-chan... wherever you are."
The next afternoon, however, Nuriko was not feeling quite as charitable. It was with a now familiar flash of hurt that he found Miaka cuddled up to the Emperor on that hillside. Sure there might be a perfectly logical explanation -- knowing how the Emperor had once ordered their miko to spend the night in his rooms, this might be another page out of that same story... or it might not be. Miaka looked awfully comfortable tucked up against the Emperor and she wasn't exactly struggling to get away. But Nuriko pushed down the hurt as best he was able and tried to give his new friend the benefit of doubt. That didn't mean he was going to trust her easily, though. Once they were back in the woods, leading their horses down the tricky paths, he maneuvered it so that he was side-by-side with the Emperor and she was walking with Tamahome. Ostensibly, he did it to give the younger pair some time alone... no one needed to know he had an ulterior motive.
After they'd been walking for the better part of an hour, Hotohori abruptly stopped. Nuriko walked up beside him, and allowed his voice to practically ooze with goodwill, "Is something wrong, Hotohori-sama?"
The other man frowned, "Does something seem strange to you, Nuriko?"
Choosing to interpret that as an invitation to flirt, though he could clearly see it wasn't, Nuriko responded with, "Oh, no, Hotohori-sama! I think we make a wonderful couple!" It was just too tempting to find ever more new and exciting ways to make the Emperor uncomfortable -- it wasn't his fault that he couldn't seem to pass one up!
Hotohori actually blushed a little in response. Ever since that day that Nuriko had chastised him, not allowing him off the hook for the way he'd been treated, the Emperor had been exceedingly uncomfortable around him. It almost seemed as though he knew he'd done wrong and that he knew he should apologize, but didn't know how. And given his rank, it was very possible that he never had had to apologize before. Not that Nuriko was going to cut him any slack. The Emperor made a vague waving motion at the trees around them, "I meant this fog. Isn't it a little early in the day for it? And it feels like we've been going in circles."
Nuriko bit off a small curse. Damn. He'd been so intent on playing his little games with the other seishi and their miko that he'd missed something obvious right in front of his face, "No... you're right, Hotohori-sama. Something is wrong." Extending his senses outward, he finally detected what he should have sensed the moment they walked into this trap. This fog was no natural fog. It was laced with magic -- powerful magic. Hotohori's chi was a bright blaze immediately to his left, Tamahome's a little further out but rapidly getting closer... where was Miaka?? Heart starting to beat a little faster, Nuriko cast about for the feel of the girl's chi. All seishi had a connection to their miko. He should be able to sense her as easily as he did the other seishi! So where was she?
Tamahome soon walked into view in front of them. Their miko wasn't with him. Nuriko all but pounced on him, "Tamahome! Where is Miaka?"
The boy at least had the grace to look embarrassed, "The fog got thick and we got separated. I couldn't find her, so I thought I should come back here and find you."
Hotohori spoke up, "You did the right thing, Tamahome. It'll be easier to find her if we all look. Just don't wander off out of shouting distance. In this fog, it would be altogether too easy for us all to become lost."
Two hours later, Nuriko was growing quietly frantic. After carefully searching that entire section of woods, they still had not found the miko. More worrying to him, however, was that he still could not sense the girl, Could my connection to her be so weak? Or could something have happened to her? Though the former embarrassed him severely, he certainly preferred it to the possibility of the latter.
As they three met back up, however, fate seemed to be finally on their side in something. Miaka walked up to join the group as though it was nothing strange that they'd been separated all that time. Stepping up the battlefield without even a pause, Tamahome got right into her face, "Where have you been?"
And that was the first indication that something was dreadfully wrong. Miaka smiled... and it wasn't her smile. After a moment of horrified realization, Nuriko recognized it as her own. It was her own at its most cruel. Miaka shrugged off the question with a demure, "Nowhere special," before leaning up to get into Tamahome's personal space and asking, "Why, Tamahome? Were you worried about me?" The insincerity that oozed out of Miaka's normally bright and honest voice almost made Nuriko ill to hear. All the more so because he recognized each and every one of these new tricks as one of "Kourin's" own. Of all the things he would have wished to teach his miko, Kourin's bitter cruelty would never have been one of them.
As Tamahome spluttered and attempted to deny Miaka's words, the Emperor stepped into the awkward moment with a heartfelt, "Well, in any case, we're all glad you're all right."
Then in a very uncharacteristic move, Miaka stepped away from Tamahome, dismissing him and his concerns with barely a thought. Something was very wrong here, very-- What?? Nuriko watched in benumbed horror as Miaka flung her arms around Hotohori-sama and responded to his comment with a melodramatic, "Please forgive me, darling! I never wanted to cause you worry!"
Eh?? The part of Nuriko's mind that wasn't frozen in shock was quickly filling with a feeling of heart-clenching betrayal. This... this was what he should have expected from the beginning. Miaka was just like all the others! Pretending to be friendly just to gain enough information to utterly destroy her rival. She'd been scamming him this whole time! And that he'd fallen for those doe eyes and her "sincere" words! Shaking with anger, Nuriko forgot the one thing that he shouldn't have forgotten. Miaka, revealed as the scheming woman that she clearly was, had leverage over him... leverage that not only could humiliate him, it could get him banished at the very least, executed at the worst. And this true Miaka wouldn't hesitate to use that leverage.
Catching the growl emanating from the feminine seishi, Miaka turned those glazed, self-satisfied eyes on her "friend". She let her lips stretch into another of those smiles and asked, "Problem, Nuriko?"
Still missing the significance of what was happening here, Nuriko merely grated out, "Yes, dear friend, there is. You seem to have had a bit of an attitude adjustment in the last few hours. I can't exactly say I like the change."
Miaka's smile oozed with that satisfaction, "Really, Nuriko, I thought you'd be proud. After all, I've learned the lessons you taught me oh-so-well... Just because the student has surpassed the teacher is no reason to be jealous." She paused, face taking on a thoughtful look, "Or is that not why you're jealous?" Hugging the Emperor more tightly to her, she smirked in Nuriko's direction. And just like last night, the indigo-haired seishi recognized the danger too late to do anything about it. His face drained of all color as he heard Miaka say the words that would spell out his doom...
"And besides, you really should give up on Hotohori. I mean, it's ridiculous. You're a man."
Those words... they bit deeply and drew blood. He should have known better. He really should have known better. He had known how dangerous it was to trust, to allow someone in, and had ignored that hard won knowledge. This was the price. You let people in, you let yourself love them and they always leave... and then they break your heart as they walk out the door. My sister did it to me. My parents did it, too. My adoptive parents did it. And now Miaka. Well. This is a lesson I won't have to learn again, so I suppose I have to thank you for that, Suzaku no Miko. Lesson learned. I'm done.
Gathering up his dignity as best he could, ignoring the shocked gazes of his fellow seishi, Nuriko matched his miko stare for stare, "I appreciate the lesson, Miaka-sama. I knew in my heart that I shouldn't trust you... any of you. I won't make that mistake again, you have my word on that." Then, turning his cold gaze on the Emperor, he spat out these words, "Good luck getting either to Mt. Taikyoku or back to the capital without me, heika-sama. May you get everything you deserve." Then, holding onto his composure with tooth and nail, he fled the scene.
Hotohori watched Nuriko go with an expression of stunned disbelief. The fact that Nuriko... that Lady Kourin was a man... it was almost incomprehensible. It had been strange enough when there had been a woman who's beauty matched his own... but now he was to believe that another man was as beautiful as he? Those surface thoughts protected him from examining the root of his confusion too closely. As confusing as Lady Kourin's actions had been before... how much more were they now? She had been sent to Court as a potential bride, willingly allowed herself to be imprisoned behind the castle's walls... when she hadn't had to? There must be more to the story than this! None of it made sense.
And now there was Miaka. Such a sweet, gentle, honest girl... Why had she thought that Lady Kourin's-- damn it! Nuriko's behavior had been a good idea to emulate? She knew how he felt about that Lady's backstabbing ways... he hadn't thought her capable of such cruelty. Perhaps, at the root of it, all women were alike. Maybe that was why Nuriko had chosen to pursue men...
He allowed Miaka to lead him off into the trees for a private conversation. And the words that then came from her lips! At once they were the sweetest balm to his soul and at the same time a claxon warning bell. Certainly a woman could change her mind faster than the wind, but this... something was off in Miaka's behavior. Maybe it was just his inability to accept that his beloved, long-awaited miko could be as cruel as the vindictive Lady who had chased him all year. Maybe it was that he was still idealistic enough to believe that there could be a perfect woman out there for him. Whatever it was, he refused to believe that his open, honest and loving miko could in just a few hours turn into this.
Drawing his sword, he backed the woman away from him, "Who are you?" At her confused look, he pressed on, praying he was right, "The Miaka I know doesn't act like this! Who are you really?"
Miaka smiled... Lady Kourin's Court smile... and then all hell broke loose.
Nuriko, exhausted, finally stopped running. Away from those horrified stares, away from those betraying eyes, he could finally think. Something had been very wrong with what happened back there. He'd been so hurt, so caught up in his own fear and desperation, that he'd failed to notice a few very vital signs of something wrong -- like where had Miaka gotten the mirror she'd been carrying? And why, even when she'd returned and was as close as Tamahome and the Emperor... why had he still not felt her chi? Oh, it had been there... but it should have been just as strong as any of they three, if not stronger. He had barely felt it.
He began to pace. If only he could figure it out... what was it? Nuriko was abruptly jerked out of his thoughts by the flare of one... no two sets of chi. That was Tamahome and Hotohori-sama! And there... there was the third! Still weaker than it should be, as though muted somehow, but that answering chi flare was Miaka. He was sure of it. Relief washed through him, so sharp it was almost painful. That was what he had missed. The Miaka shown before them was a mirror imposter! And she'd brought the mirror trapping their miko with her in order to counterfeit her chi. He'd been so wrapped up in his own misery, he'd failed to notice. Cursing, he began to run towards the overhang, hoping beyond hope that he would not be too late.
About halfway there, he felt Miaka's chi flare wildly out of control... and a sharp pain exploded at the left side of his chest, centered over his heart. He fell to his knees, shock dilating his pupils. There it was again! He was feeling someone else's feelings, someone else's pain and fear. And just as it had happened the first time, this time he was equally certain that the pain he felt belonged to Miaka. She was hurt... she was hurt very badly, but how! And also just as before, accompanying the pain came a desperate voice screaming his name, ~Niichan!!~ Only this time, it wasn't precisely his imouto's voice. Somehow, it was also Miaka's. But how was that possible? The answer came to him in a rush. This power... the power to feel what other's felt, it had been his sister's. His sister who had died too young and, by her own words, been shortly thereafter reincarnated. His sister who had taunted him with the knowledge that he would be seeing her again, sooner than he thought.
No... It can't be. It simply can not be! Heart clenching in shared pain and frustrated protective fury, Nuriko finally understood. The only possible explanation for all of it...
Miaka, Suzaku no Miko... the girl from another world who wanted so desperately to love him... was Kourin.
That flare of chi that had so caught his attention suddenly began fading, far too quickly. No! I won't lose you again! Not when I've only just figured out that I have you back! He ran.
He reached a cliff that overlooked the clearing and looked down. Tamahome and Hotohori were battling against a horrid-looking monster. It had a wound in its chest and one of its arms was cut off. And it was holding that thrice-damned mirror. If he remembered his lore correctly, the real Miaka would be trapped inside. They had to break the mirror... and destroy the monster at the same time. Nuriko looked around, desperate for a weapon of some sort. Spotting a large boulder, he smiled, This ought to do nicely. He lifted it, took aim and threw it over the cliff. It landed on the monster with a satisfying crunch. If it weren't for the fact that he anticipated anything but a warm reception from the others, he would have laughed at the startled looks on the other Seishi's faces. Instead, he restricted himself to a light, "I thought you might need my help." He jumped from the cliff and landed gracefully on his feet before the other two men.
The Emperor met his gaze for one brief moment. What he saw reflected there was conflicted, confused... but not outright condemnation. It made him confused. Before he could say anything, the other man dropped his gaze and turned to ask Tamahome how he was doing -- apparently the younger seishi had been injured in the fight. Nuriko fought the urge to clench his hands at the obvious warmth in the Emperor's voice and manner as he spoke, much less at the little mutual admiration society they were forming as they praised each other's fighting prowess. He'd never shown Nuriko such warmth... ever. Unable to bear it any longer, Nuriko looked away, eyes catching on the broken mirror. If the monster had been destroyed, the mirror that it trapped its victims in shattered... where was Miaka? Where was his imouto??
As if the question had been enough to summon the miko, Miaka's crumpled form appeared on the ground beside the mirror. Shocked, Nuriko cried out, "Miaka!" The other two seishi jerked at the sound of their miko's name, each running to the girl and dropping down beside her. Tamahome made it to her first and gathered the girl up in his arms. If Nuriko hadn't been so worried, the sight would have warmed his heart.
Miaka was unconscious and bleeding from a wound in her chest. A broken piece of what appeared to be a ceramic plate jutted out of the wound. Nuriko hesitated to say anything, but the wound looked very clearly self-inflicted. Apparently, he wasn't the only one to notice that. The Emperor's voice was harsh with worry and fear as he asked, "Why would she do something like this?"
Nuriko walked over to join the group, daring to drop a comforting hand on the Emperor's shoulder, "Hotohori-sama... the monster had a wound in the same place. I daresay that she did it--"
Tamahome interrupted with an anguished, "You mean she did this to protect us?" Overcome, he shook Miaka, "No! That isn't how this works! We protect you, not the other way around. You can't die! Wake up!"
The younger seishi's grief and frenzy being catching, Hotohori also starting yelling their miko's name, ordering her to open her eyes... to come back to them. It was almost too painful to watch... and it was just like men to be so overcome by emotion that they could not act. Pushing the two almost harshly out of the way, Nuriko dropped to the ground and started examining the wound. Almost immediately, he got a shower of protests. He looked up, the fire of anger in his eyes as he spoke, "Sitting here and calling her name like lost children won't bring her back! We need to get her clothes off and treat that wound."
Tamahome, surprisingly, was the one who protested, "But we're all men! We can't undress her!"
Nuriko silently cursed the fact that their revelations about his own gender couldn't have held off for four more hours. He couldn't very well explain to the others that the reason he could undress their miko was that she was his sister reincarnated! Desperate, he met the Emperor's eyes in silent pleading as he answered with the simplest explanation he could, "In my heart, I'm a woman. I will do this."
Whatever the Emperor saw in his gaze, apparently it was enough. Placing a gentle hand on Tamahome's shoulder, he said, "Come, we'll turn away." As he did so, he said, "We will trust you, Nuriko... we have no choice."
The words were at once a boon and a back-handed slap. Nuriko forced himself to focus on the aspect that was the former and bent himself to his task. Silently apologizing to his sensei, he tore the arm of his traveling outfit into strips to use for bandaging, then set to the task of removing Miaka's clothes as gently as he could, careful of the plate section still embedded in her breast. With every noise that he made, the other two seishi would twitch, nearly turning around. Finally, Nuriko started up a running commentary, noting the Emperor's shoulders relax minutely as he did so, "She did quite a number on herself, but it doesn't seem as though she's hit anything vital." As jealous as he had been of Miaka's attributes, he had to admit to being grateful that she was so well-endowed. That extra padding between the blade and her heart had likely saved her life. Bandaging the wound as well as he was able, he indicated to the other two that it was safe to turn around.
The little-boy-lost tone to the Emperor's voice nearly broke his heart as he dropped down next to Miaka and asked, "Will she be all right?"
Inside, Nuriko felt just as lost as the Emperor sounded. He was forced to shake his head, "I don't know. She lost a lot of blood... it's up to the strength of her will, now."
The three seishi crouched around their miko, anxiously awaiting some sign that she was improving. It was far from ideal, where they were now. Miaka should be inside in a bed. She should be warm! That impotent fury felt like it would choke him as he listened to the other two again start to call Miaka's name and beg her to wake up. It was Hotohori who noticed their miko's face paling another shade. With barely concealed panic, he grabbed onto Nuriko's arm and shook him, "She's getting paler! Nuriko, what do we do? What do we do?"
His own heart racing, Nuriko couldn't think of a single thing that they could do -- not out here in the wilderness. He cursed, "If we were back at the Palace and had the proper equipment, we could give her some of our own blood to replace what she's lost."
Before he had a chance to explain that that just wasn't practical in this situation, the other two men grabbed onto his words like drowning men to a life raft. They each slashed open a wound on their bodies, letting the blood drip onto Miaka's bandage, yelling out that if Miaka needed blood she could have every drop that they possessed. And to Nuriko's shock... it worked. Oh, not as he'd intended, mind you, but the conduit of the mingling of their blood enhanced the bond they shared with their miko and strengthened their mental calls to Miaka. To Nuriko's everlasting surprise, he could hear those calls. He could hear what Miaka was hearing! The part of her that had been Kourin was apparently still linked to his mind. He could hear the two seishi calling their miko home and the voice of one other, a young girl. He didn't know her, but Miaka certainly did. She started trying to respond, to return, but it just wasn't enough. Sensing how distracted the other two seishi were and banking on the fact that Miaka would not remember this upon waking, he threw his own voice into the mix, "Imouto-chan! Kourin! You can't leave me again! Not when I've just found you. You can't die... I love you!" With an immense sense of relief, he saw that that got her attention. Between himself, the unknown girl and the other two seishi, they called her back -- with Tamahome and Hotohori's blood opening the door.
When Miaka's eyes blinked open, they held his for a moment as she muttered, "Nuriko..." Something winked behind her eyes, as if she were grasping for something that she ought to remember, like trying to hold onto a dream upon waking... but no. It wasn't right for her to have that knowledge and well Nuriko knew it. Kourin had only been granted her memory for that one night to reassure him. The next time he saw her as Kourin would be when he died. It was enough for now that he remembered. He would do it for both of them. Nuriko gave a sad smile as she turned to greet the other two.
He gasped as the air shimmered around them, and the next thing they knew, they were surrounded by huge, glorious mountains. There was only one place that this could be and Hotohori confirmed it, "We made it. We actually made it." His eyes, as they met Nuriko's, were shining with joy. To his surprise, Nuriko was able to return the gaze with one that was equally happy. For the first time since Kourin had died, he felt as if he belonged. It was a good feeling, one he intended to hold on to no matter what else came his way.
It had all seemed to happen so fast. As long as their journey had taken, Nuriko had somehow thought that the end should take longer still. As Taiitsu-kun had said, they should have rested a night, healed from their wounds, before attempting to send Miaka back to her own world. It should not have happened so quickly. Somehow, in spite of knowing that they were here to do exactly what they had done, Nuriko still hadn't been ready for it. And now Miaka was gone. Kourin was gone. He stared at the empty spot where she had knelt just a moment ago and felt his heart lurch. He had lost her. Again. He stood slowly, still watching that spot as if she would somehow reappear, though knowing in his heart that she would not. He vaguely heard Hotohori-sama speaking with Taiitsu-kun, telling her how grateful that they all were. How could the man sound so calm? Surely his heart was breaking, just as Nuriko's was... A soft tug on his skirt drew Nuriko's attention away from the conversation. It was a Nyan-Nyan staring up at him with wide, smiling eyes. He forced a smile onto his own face and knelt down next to her, "What is it, little one?"
She smiled, innocence incarnate, and said those two dreaded words, "Me cure?"
Nuriko cringed inwardly, remembering the last conversation that had started like this. ~I'll heal your perversion,~ she'd said. He frowned and asked, "What do you mean? I have no injuries."
The Nyan-Nyan lifted a hand to rest it on his chest, over his heart. Her smile took on just a hint of sadness, "Me cure."
Nuriko swallowed hard as a lump of tears rose, unbidden into his throat. He shook his head mutely and slowly stood up, "Thank you, little one... for the thought. But, you can't fix that, only time can." The Nyan-Nyan frowned at him, but scampered away as she was dismissed. Nuriko wrapped his arms around himself and continued to stare at the spot that his beloved imouto had just vacated. He heard a voice to his left.
"Oi, Nuriko, we should head back to the capital. Taiitsu-kun said that she'll transport us back to where the horses are," Tamahome said.
With a sigh, Nuriko gathered up his skirts and moved to join the others. He felt drained beyond belief, as though the blood that Taiitsu-kun had transfused to their miko had all come from him -- though none of it had. That, he had to admit, had stung. Was his blood not good enough? He wasn't blind, he could see the increased connection that the transfusion had wrought between the miko and the other two seishi. Was he not to be permitted such a connection to his own sister? Then again... perhaps that was only just. He certainly had done nothing to deserve that special treatment.
They took their leave of Taiitsu-kun, who merely nodded and waved her hands. As quickly as they had come to this place, they were returned. It was an efficient way to travel, that was certain, but disorienting.
Hotohori grabbed the reins of his gelding and swung himself into the saddle, not saying a word to the other two as they also mounted. Then again... Nuriko certainly wasn't the only one physically and emotionally drained by their recent experience. And he did not even have the excuse of having been injured. Tamahome moved his horse up next to the Emperor's, leaving Nuriko to ride behind them. Neither said a word to him as they started to ride. It was not unexpected, this cold silence, but Nuriko had still hoped... Who was he kidding? Now that his secret was out, it was only love of their miko that had allowed the other two seishi to tolerate him as well as they had. Now that she was gone, they had no real motivation to be kind to him.
The ride back to the capital was made in silence. Nuriko tried to lighten the mood once or twice, but the baleful glares he received in response stilled his vocal chords. He rode, shrunk into the saddle, trying to go unnoticed. As they approached the palace gates, the Emperor spoke, "Tamahome, Nuriko -- as Suzaku Seishi you have the right to rooms in the palace, should you wish to use them. The servants will see to your comforts for as long as you decide to stay." He dismounted, handing his horse over to one of the guards and marching swiftly back towards the palace. Tamahome did the same, leaving Nuriko sitting on his horse alone outside the gates. The other guard stepped up next to him. Nuriko noted with no small feeling of irony that it was the very guard who had welcomed him on his first trip to the palace. He spoke quietly, as though not wishing to spook the feminine seishi, "Lady Kourin? Shall we have someone escort you inside?"
Nuriko gave voice to a tired laugh as he dismounted. He shook his head as he handed over the reins, "No, Takeo. Thank you, but this time I can find my own way." Not waiting to hear the young man protest, Nuriko gathered up the tattered skirts of his traveling dress and walked as quickly as propriety allowed back to the relative safety of his rooms. He thought he heard a few snickers in the corridor on the way back, but he shut his ears and merely upped his speed. If news of his masquerade had already spread, he would know soon enough.
When he reached his rooms, he slammed the door behind him and leaned heavily against it. A soft patter of footfalls made him look up, "Emi? What are you doing here?" The cruel laughing that he'd heard had convinced him that, at the very least, the servants all knew of his deception. Just like everywhere else, gossip seemed to be the only thing that could travel faster than a hummingbird's wings. He'd thought Emi would be long gone by the time he returned.
Emi just gave him a knowing, sad smile and said, "You really look terrible, Nuriko-sama. I've drawn you a bath. Perhaps you'll feel better after you wash up."
Those words were like a splash of cold water in his face. Nuriko-sama. Oh, Emi knew all right. The only question that remained was why was she still here? He wanted nothing more than to press her for answers, but the crawling of his skin made the decision for him -- bath first, questions later. He walked to the bathing room and stripped off his clothing. Before he took off his pants, he straightened to take in his form in the mirror. It was the first time he'd truly looked at himself thus since he had begun his elaborate masquerade. The decidedly flat planes of his chest evoked a red flush across his features. In spite of his secret being revealed, in spite of knowing that he had not always been this way, in his heart, he was still a woman. Why do I have to be so different? Even when I admitted to myself and everyone else that I was a man... Why do I still feel this way? He angrily tore off the rest of his clothes and immersed himself in the bath. I'm a pervert. Just some sick, unnatural... pervert. I know that's what they all think, and worse, deep down inside, I know it's true. I was attracted to Genrou. I am attracted to Hotohori. These days, I even think of myself as a woman. I know it isn't natural and it isn't how I used to feel... so why can't I just stop?
He washed himself quickly for once, drawing no comfort from the warm, scented water. When he drew himself out of the bath, he reached for his robe and wrapped it tightly around himself. He had no desire to see the true nature of his body a second time. He walked back into the main room to find Emi sitting in her small chair by his vanity, Kourin's brush in her hands. He sat down in his own chair, cheeks still flushed. Emi lifted the brush and began to run it through his wet hair as though nothing had changed between them. After several minutes of utter silence, Nuriko could take it no longer. He spun around and grabbed Emi's wrist, "Well??"
Emi merely frowned at him, "Well what, Nuriko-sama?"
Nuriko's mouth dropped open as he let go of her wrist. Feeling close to a breaking point, Nuriko couldn't even think of any words powerful enough to explain the emotions roiling through his heart. Well, actions speak louder than words. He tore open the front of his robe and stared down at his chest, "This! Aren't you going to say something? Don't tell me you didn't know!" Head and body drooping, he finished with, "You've never lied to me before, Emi... please don't start now."
Emi calmly grabbed the flaps of his robe and pulled them closed, retying the sash. She picked up the brush and started running it through his hair again. She hummed a little until Nuriko started to relax under her ministrations. When he had calmed, she smiled a little. Her voice was quiet when it emerged, "I have served you faithfully for over a year now, Nuriko-sama."
Ah... and there it is. Nuriko's cheeks turned red again as he bitterly commented, "And because of that, no one will accept you anywhere else, now, is that it? The master's shame rubs off on the servants." He turned his face away.
Emi's hand lifted to Nuriko's chin and turned his head to face her. Her own was stern and her lips were turned down at the corners, "That's enough, Nuriko-sama. It should be enough that I am willing to stay with you. You need not know the reasons why." She let go of his chin and laid the brush down on the vanity, "If you wish to dismiss me, then I will go."
Nuriko quickly shook his head, fear alighting on his features at the thought of his one remaining friend abandoning him. Now that he'd had a taste of what it was like to have one, he was not so eager to give her up. And Emi was turning out to be a truer friend than he had ever thought possible. Emi smiled a little at his quick negation, "You will be wanting clothing...?" She let the sentence hang, leaving it to Nuriko to fill in what kind of clothing he would wish.
Quietly, he asked Emi to find him a long tunic and a pair of pants. If he was now to be a man again, he would have to start looking the part. He could at least try it out in private. She simply nodded, nonjudgmental, and left to find the required articles of clothing. Nuriko turned to the mirror and picked up a pair of scissors, hefting his thick hair in the other hand. Just as he was about to hack it all off, his heart skipped a beat and he dropped the scissors. He just couldn't do it. Not yet. His hair was too much a part of who he was. And besides... other men had long hair. Just look at the Emperor. It was all in how you wore it. Satisfied and reassured by that justification, he picked up a tie and pulled his hair back into a functional braid. He dressed in the clothing that Emi brought, slipping into a simple pair of slippers as he tied the gold sash around his waist.
Then, steeling himself, he walked to the mirror to take in his new reflection... and stared. Ridiculous! Even in men's clothing he still looked like a girl! Somehow, he had thought that putting on different clothing would automatically make him look like the man he actually was, instead of the woman he'd pretended to be for 8 years. He had forgotten to take into account that the mere fact that he had been a woman for 8 years was bound to have taken its toll. His every move, his every gesture... his every facial expression, for crying out loud! They all screamed "female", and the fact that, in his heart, he didn't really want to change any of those things... This was going to be much harder than he'd thought. He shook his head ruefully and pulled open the door to his rooms.
Emi had left as quietly as she'd returned -- maybe to find more clothing that would suit Nuriko's altered needs. But really, it didn't matter, for what he wanted now, more than companionship, was some time alone to test the waters of this new self. He made his way out to the lake and dropped down to a convenient boulder, knees to his chest. He felt altogether too exposed in the clothing he now wore -- and not very comfortable, either. He shut off that train of thought. He was going to try to wear men's clothing at least for a little while each day. Even if he still felt like a women inside, he could at least try to look like a man on the outside. He turned his gaze to the water and merely sat, enjoying the stillness for a while.
Hotohori frowned at the piles of documents that awaited him at his return. Having had a taste of the freedom that could be his as a simple seishi, it was hard to return to life in this gilded cage. He could almost envy Nuriko -- at least he had been set free from his self-imposed prison. It was the one good thing that had come from this whole mess. He could never have fully set Lady Kourin free from the Court -- not without bringing shame to her family. But Nuriko... that was a different story altogether. It was strange, though. As happy as he was for the other man... he was sad, too. The one thing that he had known before, the one thing he had been able to count on, was that no matter that her love for him had been matched only by her equally strong hate... Lady Kourin had been a kindred spirit. He had fought against that knowledge all year, but he had been aware of it just the same. Hers had been a spirit just as strong as his and just as misplaced in the life to which she had been forced. As rocky as the relationship between them had become, as harshly as he had pushed her away, on some level, his heart had begun to soften towards her. Before the arrival of Suzaku no Miko, he had begun to wonder... would it be so bad? He could certainly have done worse than Lady Kourin for an Empress.
Except... there was no Lady Kourin. She was a myth, a figment... she didn't exist. And now knowing that, Hotohori felt like he had lost a dear friend. Certainly Lady Kourin had been anything but... but she had been a constant in his life, someone he could depend on, and now she was gone. He sat in benumbed silence for a few moments, then finally gave the situation up as a lost cause. He tossed the documents back onto his desk and declared to the air that he was going for a walk. He needed to clear his head before attacking the business of the state -- otherwise they were likely to find themselves embroiled in a war or some such just because he hadn't been paying attention. Fleeing his office, Hotohori headed for one of the few places on the grounds were he could go to calm down: the lake.
And so it was with great disappointment that he found his favorite spot already occupied. Worse still, the boy's long braid of indigo hair brought visions of Lady Kourin to his mind -- the very thoughts that he had come out here to escape. Odd that there was another at court with that unusual shade of hair and he hadn't known. Could he be one of the new stable lads? Perhaps one the guard trainees? But if either were true, he should not have access to this part of the grounds. He started towards the boy to scold him for being where he should not, but something about his dejected posture, the way he hugged his knees to his chest... Hotohori found himself feeling a surge of sympathy for the forlorn figure at the edge of the lake. So instead of scolding, he knelt next to the boy and quietly asked, "Are you all right?"
The figure's head whipped around so quickly that his braid nearly smacked the Emperor in the face, "Hotohori-sama! I didn't realize you were there. I'm sorry for intruding! I... I'll just leave now." Delicate hands fluttered to cover the boy's open mouth as he stammered apologies.
Now that Hotohori could see the boy's face, he realized that his earlier instincts had, in fact, been correct. Irritated at having been conned into feeling sympathy for the other seishi, he simply said, "Nuriko. So it is you."
Nuriko bowed his head and nodded miserably, his posture even more dejected than before. It was... strange. The Emperor didn't think he'd ever seen Lady Kourin look so lost. It made the world seem out of balance somehow. Lady Kourin was confidence and poise incarnate. To see her -- or one who looked so like her -- so flustered and uncertain... It was just plain wrong. Hotohori sat down next to the other seishi and turned his gaze out to the lake. It was only then that he realized that he had no idea how to start a conversation with the other man. He'd never had a talk with Lady Kourin that hadn't ended in a bitter argument or with his being utterly humiliated. So, feeling more than a little flustered and uncertain himself, he just blurted out the first thing that came to mind, "Why are you dressed like that?"
The answer was not quite what he expected. Nuriko's voice was uncharacteristically depressed when he responded, "Why do you care?"
That response caused Hotohori to frown at the other seishi. It just wasn't like him... that bitterness had been all self-directed. Again, he couldn't shake the feeling that something was seriously wrong here, but he had no experience with getting others to confide in him. Feeling as though he was a lumbering ox trapped in a display hall full of priceless artifacts, he pressed on, "Well, you can dress however you like, now, Nuriko... I suppose it isn't any of my business. But somehow..." He paused for a moment, trying to find the right words, "Somehow, I thought you'd be relieved to be able to give up your pretending... but you don't seem happy about it."
Nuriko stared at him in open-mouthed shock, then shook his head. He drew his knees back to his chest, resting his arms on top of them, "No, Hotohori-sama. I am not happy. But I still find it hard to believe that you actually care about that. It isn't as though I've ever mattered to you before. I've been a thorn in your side since I first came here, but even though you knew you would never want me, you wouldn't release me, either. And now this... At best, this is bittersweet. I may have my freedom... but I've lost my honor in the bargain. I can't return home without bringing shame to my family. It would be better for them if I were just to die... again."
Hotohori watched as the indigo-haired seishi rested his head on top of his arms, feeling a twinge of alarm. He'd never thought about that particular consequence to the truth being revealed. It had never occurred to him that Nuriko's family might not be privy to his secret. And for a man... ritual suicide was an acceptable way to deal with dishonor, especially when the shame involved might spread to include one's whole family. And while he might still harbor some resentment towards Lady Kourin, if the Emperor were honest with himself, he would admit that on their journey, he had warmed somewhat to Nuriko. He had thought that without the bitterness of denied expectation between them, maybe that shared understanding of the cruelty of destiny could blossom into something more -- a friendship. But he'd never had a friend before, never tried to approach someone with the intent of treating them as an equal. He didn't know how and it made him feel inadequate. He didn't want to say the wrong thing and bring about the very thing he was trying to turn the other seishi away from. Again, he blurted out the first thing that came to mind, "Suzaku no miko will need all of the seishi when she returns, you know."
Nuriko stared at him for a moment, blinking uncomprehendingly, before the pieces fell into place. Hotohori could see the exact moment it happened. The indigo-haired seishi's lips quirked upwards at the corner, twitching as they fought off the full smile that was trying to spread. His earth brown eyes started to twinkle and finally he lost the battle and let out a hearty, though feminine, laugh. When he calmed enough to take in the Emperor's now very disgruntled face, his eyes took on an apologetic cast, "I'm so sorry, Hotohori-sama. I did not realize you would take my words in that way, though I should have." He shook his head, "I make you a promise, heika-sama: I have no intention of taking my own life..." His voice dropped into a whisper as he finished with, "...no matter how worthless it may seem to me right now. I know that I am still needed, as a seishi, if in no other way."
Though the words should have been reassuring, somehow Hotohori found them to be anything but. Unsure, he placed a hand on Nuriko's shoulder, "That is not the only way in which you are needed, Nuriko--"
He got no further. Nuriko's head jerked up off his arms as his eyes bore into the Emperor's, the flames of anger lit deep within them. This was more what the Emperor expected of Nuriko. These angry eyes... they were Lady Kourin's eyes. With a shock, Hotohori realized that he had missed the very fiery passion that he had thought he was glad to be rid of. Nuriko's voice was a quiet hiss of ire when he spoke, "Do you take me for a fool, heika-sama? I disgust you, just as I do everyone else. I've heard what the servants have been whispering about me ever since our return. How did they learn the truth, I wonder? I didn't tell them. Taiitsu-kun didn't tell them. How long do you think before that knowledge spreads around the whole court?" In truth, it had never occurred to the Emperor to try to keep it quiet. He and Tamahome had discussed the matter in front of several of his own servants. His cheeks flamed as Nuriko's eyes blazed. He recognized that expression. The other seishi was just getting started.
Rising to his feet, Nuriko's hands clenched into fists and Hotohori felt himself start to sweat. At least Lady Kourin had not posed a physical threat in her anger... Nuriko was another story. With his seishi strength, the other man could do him serious harm. Fortunately, the only damage he seemed bent on inflicting was with words, "And this sudden desire to be my friend? Where did it come from? Just weeks ago you hated me, couldn't stand to be near me. Just days ago, you and Tamahome were so disgusted by my presence you wouldn't even talk to me! Then, when we return to Court, you waste not one precious second in divulging my secret to ruin me completely. And now you have the gall to approach me and tell me that my life has meaning to you?" Hurt flooded his eyes, "I am not that stupid, heika-sama, nor am I blind." He spat out his final words, "Spare me your pity. I don't need it, nor do I desire it." With those last bitter words, Nuriko stormed away from the lake, leaving the Emperor staring after him in embarrassed, guilty silence.
( On to part 3b )
Do I regret this? *beams* Not in the slightest.
And in other news? The rewrite of OB Part 3 is done and I have it back from the beta-reader! *cheers* Thank you, Yanagi-sen! *glomp* Enjoy!
Fandom: Fushigi Yuugi
Pairing: Tasuki x Nuriko, hints of Nuriko + Hotohori
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: This part -- more than double what it started as. O_O;;;
Warnings: Slash. Not mine. Don't sue.
Summary: "They took you in when you had nothing. They gave you a life you could be proud of. They gave you the opportunity to make something of yourself. Now that this chance has come, accepting it is the only way you can repay them." So begins Nuriko's journey to the capital of Konan. What awaits her on her travels, the people she will meet and the things she will learn about herself, they will change her life forever.
It was a subdued group that met in the courtyard that morning. The storm of the night before might have ended, but the bleak, heavy gray clouds overhead seemed to be a constant threat of more bad weather. If he'd had any hope of it clearing in the next few days, or any hope that Miaka would recover on her own, the Emperor would have postponed the journey. As it was, however, they had no choice in the matter. And really, aside from the rain, they had bigger problems.
Hotohori's biggest concern, apart from Miaka's health, was the state of their group of seishi. The strife and discord between they three could not continue as it was, but for now, Hotohori could not see a way clear to fixing it. After last night, he greatly feared that any hope of true peace between he and Nuriko was gone for good. Oh, the woman was acting amiable enough since she'd showed up this morning, but there was an icy chill in her eyes every time he or Tamahome attempted to engage her in conversation. The only one that she was being truly friendly and caring towards, ironically enough, was Suzaku no Miko... a girl she'd hated just a few days earlier. Miaka wasn't doing much better. She would not meet his eyes, was still shy of getting too close to him after the other night. She also seemed to have developed an aversion to Tamahome and he to her. It was enough to make the Emperor's head spin.
There was, unfortunately, no help for it. They had to make this journey and they had to make it together. He couldn't even send Miaka with a set of guards. He couldn't trust that that would be enough to keep her safe and it would slow them down. So... really there was no choice. In the interest of making peace, and to show everyone that for the purpose of this journey they would all be equals, Hotohori cupped his hands to offer Nuriko a leg up to her horse. He was surprised that she accepted... until she took the opportunity to "accidentally" kick him in the head. Hotohori heaved a huge sigh. It was going to be a long trip.
Nuriko couldn't help but smile as she noted the slight discoloration forming near the Emperor's left eye as he laid down to sleep that night. It had been a purely instinctual impulse, but one she'd been unable to ignore. After all, turnabout might be fair play... but payback was a bitch. Once he and Tamahome were settled into their sleeping rolls, Nuriko turned to the other side of camp to check on Miaka. The girl had walked off into the trees to relieve herself almost 5 minutes ago and had yet to return. Having decided to take her role of protector seriously, Nuriko found herself loathe to let the girl stumble around unaided, especially being as sick as she was.
After a few minutes of searching, she finally found the miko kneeling down with her head pressed against a tree, face flushed. She dropped down next to her and lightly gripped her shoulder, "Suzaku no miko?"
The girl turned to her, eyes somewhat glazed, "Nuriko?"
The Suzaku seishi sighed, "Of course, Miaka." The poor girl looked exhausted. Something was going to have to be done about all the tension between them before it frayed the girl further than it already had. She could do nothing about Miaka's worries over the Emperor other than keep the man away from her while she slept, but Tamahome... perhaps she could do something to fix the awkwardness between them. Not that Tamahome was her first choice for the miko's affection anymore, far from it, but she did seem honestly taken with him. If she could relieve some of the tension between them, it just might help. But how...?
Eyeing the girl's short skirt, she suppressed a shiver, "Miaka... I don't wish to question your sense of fashion, but perhaps on a night this chill you would do better to dress more warmly? I am certain I have enough clothing that we could share." Silently she added, And I wouldn't have to fight off the urge to gut him every time I caught the Emperor staring at those bare legs of yours...
Miaka offered her a brilliant smile, "Nuriko... that is so kind. Thank you, but I'll be all right. I don’t want to get you sick, as well."
A mischievous idea forming, Nuriko offered an alternative, "There is said to be a hot spring in these woods. Legend grants it healing properties. Perhaps that would help?"
The miko offered her a genuine smile and nodded. Nuriko pointed her in the right direction. Miaka ran off, pausing only long enough to throw an admonishment over her shoulder, "Don't tell Tamahome or Hotohori!"
Nuriko waved at the miko's retreating back, a glint in her eyes. Of course, not, Miaka-chan... I wouldn't dream of it. Instead, she did the next best thing. She just grabbed Tamahome by the ankle and dragged him to the opposite edge of the spring. She then made her way around to the spring source and picked up a dead log to release into the spring. Once the miko saw it coming her way and began screaming... the fun would begin. Climbing up into a nearby tree, Nuriko settled down to wait. She didn't have to wait long.
As Miaka saw the log approaching from upstream, she let out a mighty scream. Nuriko felt a twinge of guilt at the fear she clearly caused the girl, but a moment later she was ready to cheer. Tamahome did not disappoint. Hearing that shriek, he leapt from his bedroll and immediately dove after the foul beast that dared harm his miko. Nuriko about fell out of the tree, she was laughing so hard. It was positively amazing what the sleeping mind revealed about a man's true feelings. And sleep-befuddled as he was, when confronted by Miaka, he actually offered her the truth. Nuriko found her attitude towards the other seishi softening, for in that moment, he sounded so very young and more than a little bit lost himself.
When Tamahome had gone, Nuriko leapt lightly down from the tree and attempted to make a silent retreat. Apparently, she should have waited. That girl had ears like a cat! No sooner had Nuriko's feet touched the ground than Miaka was upon her. What she really didn't expect, however, was that immediately upon the heels of being accused of treachery, Miaka was hugging her and thanking her! Well... that reconciliation had gone well, but still, she didn't appreciate being manhandled like that.
As she tried to delicately extricate herself from the younger girl, Miaka only seemed to become more attached. She had a good grip on Nuriko's dress and was shaking her back and forth in her exuberance. Nuriko had but one brief moment to realize exactly how this could severely backfire... when it did exactly that. The tie around her waist had loosened from the shaking and the dress, being just a little too big, slid down her shoulders to bare her to mid-chest. Abruptly the shaking stopped. Nuriko's face did a slow burn.
Miaka, for her part, was staring at Nuriko's chest -- and what was clearly not there. She stammered a few syllables, none of which Nuriko caught, then abruptly jerked herself backwards with a little scream, "You're a man???"
For just a moment, Nuriko's mind completely froze. Never had he thought that this sort of thing could happen. People in this world kept a respectable distance from each other. They weren't like Suzaku no Miko, running around hugging and shaking and molesting each other! His mind running in frantic little circles, it took him several precious moments to come up with an answer. Forcing a lightness into his smile that he didn't truly feel, Nuriko gave Miaka one of "Kourin's" best Court laughs and said, "Yes, I'm a man. So what?"
Miaka's eyes narrowed and she said with suspicion, "But you're in love with the Emperor! And you kissed Tamahome!"
Nuriko continued to treat the subject as flippantly as he could, as though people in his world did this sort of thing all the time -- after all, for all the miko knew, they might. It was his only hope for salvation, to convince her that this was of such little consequence that she wouldn't feel the need to inform the Emperor of her little discovery. Giggling lightly into his hand he forced a twinkle into his eyes, "Well, of course. I've given up the path of manhood for love."
Miaka twitched at him for another several moments, then seemed to abruptly come to terms with what he had said, "Well... I suppose I can understand that." She offered him a conspiratory wink, "I've read my share of boys' love manga, you know. And in America, I've heard they turn men into women all the time."
If he weren't trying to play things so cool, Nuriko would have twitched at Miaka's abrupt acceptance. Men becoming women? They must have some powerful magic to accomplish that. But what really caused him confusion... "What do you mean, 'boys' love manga'?"
To his surprise, Miaka giggled and a small blush crept across her features, "Well, manga are books written in the form of picture stories." At Nuriko's continued confusion, she elaborated, "The author draws several pictures in sequence and writes the dialogue in with the pictures to tell the story." When she saw that Nuriko understood, she continued, "And manga that are 'boys' love' are romantic stories between two men. A lot of girls where I'm from secretly read them."
Nuriko felt a stab of envy so fierce it almost overwhelmed him. It was so unfair! If he lived in Miaka's world, not only could he and the Emperor have been together, there would have been no social stigma against it! He was forced to look away from the blushing girl, but did respond, "What a different world you live in, Suzaku no Miko. You wear skirts that bare your legs, you hug people who are not family, you will run around unchaperoned with a man... and the men in your world are free to love each other without fear of reprisal." To his surprise, Nuriko felt his voice getting rough with emotion, "I wish I could see such a place..."
Miaka, seeming to understand that this was not as carefree a subject as she had first thought, laid a gentle hand on Nuriko's shoulder. Her voice was full of sad understanding, "No wonder you're always so angry all the time. Does anyone else know?"
Nuriko shook his head, "No one who matters... besides you."
A note of awe crept into her voice, "Not even your servant?"
A choked laugh, "Especially not her. While I love Emi dearly, one of the reasons we get along so well is that she is a terrible gossip. I would never live it down if anyone at Court were to find out."
Miaka's small hand eased from Nuriko's shoulder to slide around his back and squeeze him lightly to her, "You must be so lonely..."
Nuriko let out another bitter laugh, "I never really gave much thought to it. I've been living this lie for so long, it began to feel like truth. And one in my position does not acquire many friends anyway. So how would I know the difference?"
Another squeeze, "Well, you will now. I meant what I said the other night -- I think you could use a friend and I'd like to be your first one. Friends keep each other's secrets, it's part of what makes them friends. But, if you ever want to talk to someone about it... well, that's another thing that friend's are good for."
And just as Miaka felt the need to borrow words from their other conversation, so too did Nuriko, "I really don't deserve you, Miaka... but I think I'll keep you just the same. Thank you."
Brushing a light kiss against her new friend's cheek, Miaka simply said, "You're welcome." She then gathered up her clothes and scampered off to dress and settle down for the night.
Nuriko, hand pressed to the cheek where he could still feel the warmth of Miaka's lips, looked up into the night sky and smiled, "You were right as usual Kourin... I think I do like her. Good night, imouto-chan... wherever you are."
The next afternoon, however, Nuriko was not feeling quite as charitable. It was with a now familiar flash of hurt that he found Miaka cuddled up to the Emperor on that hillside. Sure there might be a perfectly logical explanation -- knowing how the Emperor had once ordered their miko to spend the night in his rooms, this might be another page out of that same story... or it might not be. Miaka looked awfully comfortable tucked up against the Emperor and she wasn't exactly struggling to get away. But Nuriko pushed down the hurt as best he was able and tried to give his new friend the benefit of doubt. That didn't mean he was going to trust her easily, though. Once they were back in the woods, leading their horses down the tricky paths, he maneuvered it so that he was side-by-side with the Emperor and she was walking with Tamahome. Ostensibly, he did it to give the younger pair some time alone... no one needed to know he had an ulterior motive.
After they'd been walking for the better part of an hour, Hotohori abruptly stopped. Nuriko walked up beside him, and allowed his voice to practically ooze with goodwill, "Is something wrong, Hotohori-sama?"
The other man frowned, "Does something seem strange to you, Nuriko?"
Choosing to interpret that as an invitation to flirt, though he could clearly see it wasn't, Nuriko responded with, "Oh, no, Hotohori-sama! I think we make a wonderful couple!" It was just too tempting to find ever more new and exciting ways to make the Emperor uncomfortable -- it wasn't his fault that he couldn't seem to pass one up!
Hotohori actually blushed a little in response. Ever since that day that Nuriko had chastised him, not allowing him off the hook for the way he'd been treated, the Emperor had been exceedingly uncomfortable around him. It almost seemed as though he knew he'd done wrong and that he knew he should apologize, but didn't know how. And given his rank, it was very possible that he never had had to apologize before. Not that Nuriko was going to cut him any slack. The Emperor made a vague waving motion at the trees around them, "I meant this fog. Isn't it a little early in the day for it? And it feels like we've been going in circles."
Nuriko bit off a small curse. Damn. He'd been so intent on playing his little games with the other seishi and their miko that he'd missed something obvious right in front of his face, "No... you're right, Hotohori-sama. Something is wrong." Extending his senses outward, he finally detected what he should have sensed the moment they walked into this trap. This fog was no natural fog. It was laced with magic -- powerful magic. Hotohori's chi was a bright blaze immediately to his left, Tamahome's a little further out but rapidly getting closer... where was Miaka?? Heart starting to beat a little faster, Nuriko cast about for the feel of the girl's chi. All seishi had a connection to their miko. He should be able to sense her as easily as he did the other seishi! So where was she?
Tamahome soon walked into view in front of them. Their miko wasn't with him. Nuriko all but pounced on him, "Tamahome! Where is Miaka?"
The boy at least had the grace to look embarrassed, "The fog got thick and we got separated. I couldn't find her, so I thought I should come back here and find you."
Hotohori spoke up, "You did the right thing, Tamahome. It'll be easier to find her if we all look. Just don't wander off out of shouting distance. In this fog, it would be altogether too easy for us all to become lost."
Two hours later, Nuriko was growing quietly frantic. After carefully searching that entire section of woods, they still had not found the miko. More worrying to him, however, was that he still could not sense the girl, Could my connection to her be so weak? Or could something have happened to her? Though the former embarrassed him severely, he certainly preferred it to the possibility of the latter.
As they three met back up, however, fate seemed to be finally on their side in something. Miaka walked up to join the group as though it was nothing strange that they'd been separated all that time. Stepping up the battlefield without even a pause, Tamahome got right into her face, "Where have you been?"
And that was the first indication that something was dreadfully wrong. Miaka smiled... and it wasn't her smile. After a moment of horrified realization, Nuriko recognized it as her own. It was her own at its most cruel. Miaka shrugged off the question with a demure, "Nowhere special," before leaning up to get into Tamahome's personal space and asking, "Why, Tamahome? Were you worried about me?" The insincerity that oozed out of Miaka's normally bright and honest voice almost made Nuriko ill to hear. All the more so because he recognized each and every one of these new tricks as one of "Kourin's" own. Of all the things he would have wished to teach his miko, Kourin's bitter cruelty would never have been one of them.
As Tamahome spluttered and attempted to deny Miaka's words, the Emperor stepped into the awkward moment with a heartfelt, "Well, in any case, we're all glad you're all right."
Then in a very uncharacteristic move, Miaka stepped away from Tamahome, dismissing him and his concerns with barely a thought. Something was very wrong here, very-- What?? Nuriko watched in benumbed horror as Miaka flung her arms around Hotohori-sama and responded to his comment with a melodramatic, "Please forgive me, darling! I never wanted to cause you worry!"
Eh?? The part of Nuriko's mind that wasn't frozen in shock was quickly filling with a feeling of heart-clenching betrayal. This... this was what he should have expected from the beginning. Miaka was just like all the others! Pretending to be friendly just to gain enough information to utterly destroy her rival. She'd been scamming him this whole time! And that he'd fallen for those doe eyes and her "sincere" words! Shaking with anger, Nuriko forgot the one thing that he shouldn't have forgotten. Miaka, revealed as the scheming woman that she clearly was, had leverage over him... leverage that not only could humiliate him, it could get him banished at the very least, executed at the worst. And this true Miaka wouldn't hesitate to use that leverage.
Catching the growl emanating from the feminine seishi, Miaka turned those glazed, self-satisfied eyes on her "friend". She let her lips stretch into another of those smiles and asked, "Problem, Nuriko?"
Still missing the significance of what was happening here, Nuriko merely grated out, "Yes, dear friend, there is. You seem to have had a bit of an attitude adjustment in the last few hours. I can't exactly say I like the change."
Miaka's smile oozed with that satisfaction, "Really, Nuriko, I thought you'd be proud. After all, I've learned the lessons you taught me oh-so-well... Just because the student has surpassed the teacher is no reason to be jealous." She paused, face taking on a thoughtful look, "Or is that not why you're jealous?" Hugging the Emperor more tightly to her, she smirked in Nuriko's direction. And just like last night, the indigo-haired seishi recognized the danger too late to do anything about it. His face drained of all color as he heard Miaka say the words that would spell out his doom...
"And besides, you really should give up on Hotohori. I mean, it's ridiculous. You're a man."
Those words... they bit deeply and drew blood. He should have known better. He really should have known better. He had known how dangerous it was to trust, to allow someone in, and had ignored that hard won knowledge. This was the price. You let people in, you let yourself love them and they always leave... and then they break your heart as they walk out the door. My sister did it to me. My parents did it, too. My adoptive parents did it. And now Miaka. Well. This is a lesson I won't have to learn again, so I suppose I have to thank you for that, Suzaku no Miko. Lesson learned. I'm done.
Gathering up his dignity as best he could, ignoring the shocked gazes of his fellow seishi, Nuriko matched his miko stare for stare, "I appreciate the lesson, Miaka-sama. I knew in my heart that I shouldn't trust you... any of you. I won't make that mistake again, you have my word on that." Then, turning his cold gaze on the Emperor, he spat out these words, "Good luck getting either to Mt. Taikyoku or back to the capital without me, heika-sama. May you get everything you deserve." Then, holding onto his composure with tooth and nail, he fled the scene.
Hotohori watched Nuriko go with an expression of stunned disbelief. The fact that Nuriko... that Lady Kourin was a man... it was almost incomprehensible. It had been strange enough when there had been a woman who's beauty matched his own... but now he was to believe that another man was as beautiful as he? Those surface thoughts protected him from examining the root of his confusion too closely. As confusing as Lady Kourin's actions had been before... how much more were they now? She had been sent to Court as a potential bride, willingly allowed herself to be imprisoned behind the castle's walls... when she hadn't had to? There must be more to the story than this! None of it made sense.
And now there was Miaka. Such a sweet, gentle, honest girl... Why had she thought that Lady Kourin's-- damn it! Nuriko's behavior had been a good idea to emulate? She knew how he felt about that Lady's backstabbing ways... he hadn't thought her capable of such cruelty. Perhaps, at the root of it, all women were alike. Maybe that was why Nuriko had chosen to pursue men...
He allowed Miaka to lead him off into the trees for a private conversation. And the words that then came from her lips! At once they were the sweetest balm to his soul and at the same time a claxon warning bell. Certainly a woman could change her mind faster than the wind, but this... something was off in Miaka's behavior. Maybe it was just his inability to accept that his beloved, long-awaited miko could be as cruel as the vindictive Lady who had chased him all year. Maybe it was that he was still idealistic enough to believe that there could be a perfect woman out there for him. Whatever it was, he refused to believe that his open, honest and loving miko could in just a few hours turn into this.
Drawing his sword, he backed the woman away from him, "Who are you?" At her confused look, he pressed on, praying he was right, "The Miaka I know doesn't act like this! Who are you really?"
Miaka smiled... Lady Kourin's Court smile... and then all hell broke loose.
Nuriko, exhausted, finally stopped running. Away from those horrified stares, away from those betraying eyes, he could finally think. Something had been very wrong with what happened back there. He'd been so hurt, so caught up in his own fear and desperation, that he'd failed to notice a few very vital signs of something wrong -- like where had Miaka gotten the mirror she'd been carrying? And why, even when she'd returned and was as close as Tamahome and the Emperor... why had he still not felt her chi? Oh, it had been there... but it should have been just as strong as any of they three, if not stronger. He had barely felt it.
He began to pace. If only he could figure it out... what was it? Nuriko was abruptly jerked out of his thoughts by the flare of one... no two sets of chi. That was Tamahome and Hotohori-sama! And there... there was the third! Still weaker than it should be, as though muted somehow, but that answering chi flare was Miaka. He was sure of it. Relief washed through him, so sharp it was almost painful. That was what he had missed. The Miaka shown before them was a mirror imposter! And she'd brought the mirror trapping their miko with her in order to counterfeit her chi. He'd been so wrapped up in his own misery, he'd failed to notice. Cursing, he began to run towards the overhang, hoping beyond hope that he would not be too late.
About halfway there, he felt Miaka's chi flare wildly out of control... and a sharp pain exploded at the left side of his chest, centered over his heart. He fell to his knees, shock dilating his pupils. There it was again! He was feeling someone else's feelings, someone else's pain and fear. And just as it had happened the first time, this time he was equally certain that the pain he felt belonged to Miaka. She was hurt... she was hurt very badly, but how! And also just as before, accompanying the pain came a desperate voice screaming his name, ~Niichan!!~ Only this time, it wasn't precisely his imouto's voice. Somehow, it was also Miaka's. But how was that possible? The answer came to him in a rush. This power... the power to feel what other's felt, it had been his sister's. His sister who had died too young and, by her own words, been shortly thereafter reincarnated. His sister who had taunted him with the knowledge that he would be seeing her again, sooner than he thought.
No... It can't be. It simply can not be! Heart clenching in shared pain and frustrated protective fury, Nuriko finally understood. The only possible explanation for all of it...
Miaka, Suzaku no Miko... the girl from another world who wanted so desperately to love him... was Kourin.
That flare of chi that had so caught his attention suddenly began fading, far too quickly. No! I won't lose you again! Not when I've only just figured out that I have you back! He ran.
He reached a cliff that overlooked the clearing and looked down. Tamahome and Hotohori were battling against a horrid-looking monster. It had a wound in its chest and one of its arms was cut off. And it was holding that thrice-damned mirror. If he remembered his lore correctly, the real Miaka would be trapped inside. They had to break the mirror... and destroy the monster at the same time. Nuriko looked around, desperate for a weapon of some sort. Spotting a large boulder, he smiled, This ought to do nicely. He lifted it, took aim and threw it over the cliff. It landed on the monster with a satisfying crunch. If it weren't for the fact that he anticipated anything but a warm reception from the others, he would have laughed at the startled looks on the other Seishi's faces. Instead, he restricted himself to a light, "I thought you might need my help." He jumped from the cliff and landed gracefully on his feet before the other two men.
The Emperor met his gaze for one brief moment. What he saw reflected there was conflicted, confused... but not outright condemnation. It made him confused. Before he could say anything, the other man dropped his gaze and turned to ask Tamahome how he was doing -- apparently the younger seishi had been injured in the fight. Nuriko fought the urge to clench his hands at the obvious warmth in the Emperor's voice and manner as he spoke, much less at the little mutual admiration society they were forming as they praised each other's fighting prowess. He'd never shown Nuriko such warmth... ever. Unable to bear it any longer, Nuriko looked away, eyes catching on the broken mirror. If the monster had been destroyed, the mirror that it trapped its victims in shattered... where was Miaka? Where was his imouto??
As if the question had been enough to summon the miko, Miaka's crumpled form appeared on the ground beside the mirror. Shocked, Nuriko cried out, "Miaka!" The other two seishi jerked at the sound of their miko's name, each running to the girl and dropping down beside her. Tamahome made it to her first and gathered the girl up in his arms. If Nuriko hadn't been so worried, the sight would have warmed his heart.
Miaka was unconscious and bleeding from a wound in her chest. A broken piece of what appeared to be a ceramic plate jutted out of the wound. Nuriko hesitated to say anything, but the wound looked very clearly self-inflicted. Apparently, he wasn't the only one to notice that. The Emperor's voice was harsh with worry and fear as he asked, "Why would she do something like this?"
Nuriko walked over to join the group, daring to drop a comforting hand on the Emperor's shoulder, "Hotohori-sama... the monster had a wound in the same place. I daresay that she did it--"
Tamahome interrupted with an anguished, "You mean she did this to protect us?" Overcome, he shook Miaka, "No! That isn't how this works! We protect you, not the other way around. You can't die! Wake up!"
The younger seishi's grief and frenzy being catching, Hotohori also starting yelling their miko's name, ordering her to open her eyes... to come back to them. It was almost too painful to watch... and it was just like men to be so overcome by emotion that they could not act. Pushing the two almost harshly out of the way, Nuriko dropped to the ground and started examining the wound. Almost immediately, he got a shower of protests. He looked up, the fire of anger in his eyes as he spoke, "Sitting here and calling her name like lost children won't bring her back! We need to get her clothes off and treat that wound."
Tamahome, surprisingly, was the one who protested, "But we're all men! We can't undress her!"
Nuriko silently cursed the fact that their revelations about his own gender couldn't have held off for four more hours. He couldn't very well explain to the others that the reason he could undress their miko was that she was his sister reincarnated! Desperate, he met the Emperor's eyes in silent pleading as he answered with the simplest explanation he could, "In my heart, I'm a woman. I will do this."
Whatever the Emperor saw in his gaze, apparently it was enough. Placing a gentle hand on Tamahome's shoulder, he said, "Come, we'll turn away." As he did so, he said, "We will trust you, Nuriko... we have no choice."
The words were at once a boon and a back-handed slap. Nuriko forced himself to focus on the aspect that was the former and bent himself to his task. Silently apologizing to his sensei, he tore the arm of his traveling outfit into strips to use for bandaging, then set to the task of removing Miaka's clothes as gently as he could, careful of the plate section still embedded in her breast. With every noise that he made, the other two seishi would twitch, nearly turning around. Finally, Nuriko started up a running commentary, noting the Emperor's shoulders relax minutely as he did so, "She did quite a number on herself, but it doesn't seem as though she's hit anything vital." As jealous as he had been of Miaka's attributes, he had to admit to being grateful that she was so well-endowed. That extra padding between the blade and her heart had likely saved her life. Bandaging the wound as well as he was able, he indicated to the other two that it was safe to turn around.
The little-boy-lost tone to the Emperor's voice nearly broke his heart as he dropped down next to Miaka and asked, "Will she be all right?"
Inside, Nuriko felt just as lost as the Emperor sounded. He was forced to shake his head, "I don't know. She lost a lot of blood... it's up to the strength of her will, now."
The three seishi crouched around their miko, anxiously awaiting some sign that she was improving. It was far from ideal, where they were now. Miaka should be inside in a bed. She should be warm! That impotent fury felt like it would choke him as he listened to the other two again start to call Miaka's name and beg her to wake up. It was Hotohori who noticed their miko's face paling another shade. With barely concealed panic, he grabbed onto Nuriko's arm and shook him, "She's getting paler! Nuriko, what do we do? What do we do?"
His own heart racing, Nuriko couldn't think of a single thing that they could do -- not out here in the wilderness. He cursed, "If we were back at the Palace and had the proper equipment, we could give her some of our own blood to replace what she's lost."
Before he had a chance to explain that that just wasn't practical in this situation, the other two men grabbed onto his words like drowning men to a life raft. They each slashed open a wound on their bodies, letting the blood drip onto Miaka's bandage, yelling out that if Miaka needed blood she could have every drop that they possessed. And to Nuriko's shock... it worked. Oh, not as he'd intended, mind you, but the conduit of the mingling of their blood enhanced the bond they shared with their miko and strengthened their mental calls to Miaka. To Nuriko's everlasting surprise, he could hear those calls. He could hear what Miaka was hearing! The part of her that had been Kourin was apparently still linked to his mind. He could hear the two seishi calling their miko home and the voice of one other, a young girl. He didn't know her, but Miaka certainly did. She started trying to respond, to return, but it just wasn't enough. Sensing how distracted the other two seishi were and banking on the fact that Miaka would not remember this upon waking, he threw his own voice into the mix, "Imouto-chan! Kourin! You can't leave me again! Not when I've just found you. You can't die... I love you!" With an immense sense of relief, he saw that that got her attention. Between himself, the unknown girl and the other two seishi, they called her back -- with Tamahome and Hotohori's blood opening the door.
When Miaka's eyes blinked open, they held his for a moment as she muttered, "Nuriko..." Something winked behind her eyes, as if she were grasping for something that she ought to remember, like trying to hold onto a dream upon waking... but no. It wasn't right for her to have that knowledge and well Nuriko knew it. Kourin had only been granted her memory for that one night to reassure him. The next time he saw her as Kourin would be when he died. It was enough for now that he remembered. He would do it for both of them. Nuriko gave a sad smile as she turned to greet the other two.
He gasped as the air shimmered around them, and the next thing they knew, they were surrounded by huge, glorious mountains. There was only one place that this could be and Hotohori confirmed it, "We made it. We actually made it." His eyes, as they met Nuriko's, were shining with joy. To his surprise, Nuriko was able to return the gaze with one that was equally happy. For the first time since Kourin had died, he felt as if he belonged. It was a good feeling, one he intended to hold on to no matter what else came his way.
It had all seemed to happen so fast. As long as their journey had taken, Nuriko had somehow thought that the end should take longer still. As Taiitsu-kun had said, they should have rested a night, healed from their wounds, before attempting to send Miaka back to her own world. It should not have happened so quickly. Somehow, in spite of knowing that they were here to do exactly what they had done, Nuriko still hadn't been ready for it. And now Miaka was gone. Kourin was gone. He stared at the empty spot where she had knelt just a moment ago and felt his heart lurch. He had lost her. Again. He stood slowly, still watching that spot as if she would somehow reappear, though knowing in his heart that she would not. He vaguely heard Hotohori-sama speaking with Taiitsu-kun, telling her how grateful that they all were. How could the man sound so calm? Surely his heart was breaking, just as Nuriko's was... A soft tug on his skirt drew Nuriko's attention away from the conversation. It was a Nyan-Nyan staring up at him with wide, smiling eyes. He forced a smile onto his own face and knelt down next to her, "What is it, little one?"
She smiled, innocence incarnate, and said those two dreaded words, "Me cure?"
Nuriko cringed inwardly, remembering the last conversation that had started like this. ~I'll heal your perversion,~ she'd said. He frowned and asked, "What do you mean? I have no injuries."
The Nyan-Nyan lifted a hand to rest it on his chest, over his heart. Her smile took on just a hint of sadness, "Me cure."
Nuriko swallowed hard as a lump of tears rose, unbidden into his throat. He shook his head mutely and slowly stood up, "Thank you, little one... for the thought. But, you can't fix that, only time can." The Nyan-Nyan frowned at him, but scampered away as she was dismissed. Nuriko wrapped his arms around himself and continued to stare at the spot that his beloved imouto had just vacated. He heard a voice to his left.
"Oi, Nuriko, we should head back to the capital. Taiitsu-kun said that she'll transport us back to where the horses are," Tamahome said.
With a sigh, Nuriko gathered up his skirts and moved to join the others. He felt drained beyond belief, as though the blood that Taiitsu-kun had transfused to their miko had all come from him -- though none of it had. That, he had to admit, had stung. Was his blood not good enough? He wasn't blind, he could see the increased connection that the transfusion had wrought between the miko and the other two seishi. Was he not to be permitted such a connection to his own sister? Then again... perhaps that was only just. He certainly had done nothing to deserve that special treatment.
They took their leave of Taiitsu-kun, who merely nodded and waved her hands. As quickly as they had come to this place, they were returned. It was an efficient way to travel, that was certain, but disorienting.
Hotohori grabbed the reins of his gelding and swung himself into the saddle, not saying a word to the other two as they also mounted. Then again... Nuriko certainly wasn't the only one physically and emotionally drained by their recent experience. And he did not even have the excuse of having been injured. Tamahome moved his horse up next to the Emperor's, leaving Nuriko to ride behind them. Neither said a word to him as they started to ride. It was not unexpected, this cold silence, but Nuriko had still hoped... Who was he kidding? Now that his secret was out, it was only love of their miko that had allowed the other two seishi to tolerate him as well as they had. Now that she was gone, they had no real motivation to be kind to him.
The ride back to the capital was made in silence. Nuriko tried to lighten the mood once or twice, but the baleful glares he received in response stilled his vocal chords. He rode, shrunk into the saddle, trying to go unnoticed. As they approached the palace gates, the Emperor spoke, "Tamahome, Nuriko -- as Suzaku Seishi you have the right to rooms in the palace, should you wish to use them. The servants will see to your comforts for as long as you decide to stay." He dismounted, handing his horse over to one of the guards and marching swiftly back towards the palace. Tamahome did the same, leaving Nuriko sitting on his horse alone outside the gates. The other guard stepped up next to him. Nuriko noted with no small feeling of irony that it was the very guard who had welcomed him on his first trip to the palace. He spoke quietly, as though not wishing to spook the feminine seishi, "Lady Kourin? Shall we have someone escort you inside?"
Nuriko gave voice to a tired laugh as he dismounted. He shook his head as he handed over the reins, "No, Takeo. Thank you, but this time I can find my own way." Not waiting to hear the young man protest, Nuriko gathered up the tattered skirts of his traveling dress and walked as quickly as propriety allowed back to the relative safety of his rooms. He thought he heard a few snickers in the corridor on the way back, but he shut his ears and merely upped his speed. If news of his masquerade had already spread, he would know soon enough.
When he reached his rooms, he slammed the door behind him and leaned heavily against it. A soft patter of footfalls made him look up, "Emi? What are you doing here?" The cruel laughing that he'd heard had convinced him that, at the very least, the servants all knew of his deception. Just like everywhere else, gossip seemed to be the only thing that could travel faster than a hummingbird's wings. He'd thought Emi would be long gone by the time he returned.
Emi just gave him a knowing, sad smile and said, "You really look terrible, Nuriko-sama. I've drawn you a bath. Perhaps you'll feel better after you wash up."
Those words were like a splash of cold water in his face. Nuriko-sama. Oh, Emi knew all right. The only question that remained was why was she still here? He wanted nothing more than to press her for answers, but the crawling of his skin made the decision for him -- bath first, questions later. He walked to the bathing room and stripped off his clothing. Before he took off his pants, he straightened to take in his form in the mirror. It was the first time he'd truly looked at himself thus since he had begun his elaborate masquerade. The decidedly flat planes of his chest evoked a red flush across his features. In spite of his secret being revealed, in spite of knowing that he had not always been this way, in his heart, he was still a woman. Why do I have to be so different? Even when I admitted to myself and everyone else that I was a man... Why do I still feel this way? He angrily tore off the rest of his clothes and immersed himself in the bath. I'm a pervert. Just some sick, unnatural... pervert. I know that's what they all think, and worse, deep down inside, I know it's true. I was attracted to Genrou. I am attracted to Hotohori. These days, I even think of myself as a woman. I know it isn't natural and it isn't how I used to feel... so why can't I just stop?
He washed himself quickly for once, drawing no comfort from the warm, scented water. When he drew himself out of the bath, he reached for his robe and wrapped it tightly around himself. He had no desire to see the true nature of his body a second time. He walked back into the main room to find Emi sitting in her small chair by his vanity, Kourin's brush in her hands. He sat down in his own chair, cheeks still flushed. Emi lifted the brush and began to run it through his wet hair as though nothing had changed between them. After several minutes of utter silence, Nuriko could take it no longer. He spun around and grabbed Emi's wrist, "Well??"
Emi merely frowned at him, "Well what, Nuriko-sama?"
Nuriko's mouth dropped open as he let go of her wrist. Feeling close to a breaking point, Nuriko couldn't even think of any words powerful enough to explain the emotions roiling through his heart. Well, actions speak louder than words. He tore open the front of his robe and stared down at his chest, "This! Aren't you going to say something? Don't tell me you didn't know!" Head and body drooping, he finished with, "You've never lied to me before, Emi... please don't start now."
Emi calmly grabbed the flaps of his robe and pulled them closed, retying the sash. She picked up the brush and started running it through his hair again. She hummed a little until Nuriko started to relax under her ministrations. When he had calmed, she smiled a little. Her voice was quiet when it emerged, "I have served you faithfully for over a year now, Nuriko-sama."
Ah... and there it is. Nuriko's cheeks turned red again as he bitterly commented, "And because of that, no one will accept you anywhere else, now, is that it? The master's shame rubs off on the servants." He turned his face away.
Emi's hand lifted to Nuriko's chin and turned his head to face her. Her own was stern and her lips were turned down at the corners, "That's enough, Nuriko-sama. It should be enough that I am willing to stay with you. You need not know the reasons why." She let go of his chin and laid the brush down on the vanity, "If you wish to dismiss me, then I will go."
Nuriko quickly shook his head, fear alighting on his features at the thought of his one remaining friend abandoning him. Now that he'd had a taste of what it was like to have one, he was not so eager to give her up. And Emi was turning out to be a truer friend than he had ever thought possible. Emi smiled a little at his quick negation, "You will be wanting clothing...?" She let the sentence hang, leaving it to Nuriko to fill in what kind of clothing he would wish.
Quietly, he asked Emi to find him a long tunic and a pair of pants. If he was now to be a man again, he would have to start looking the part. He could at least try it out in private. She simply nodded, nonjudgmental, and left to find the required articles of clothing. Nuriko turned to the mirror and picked up a pair of scissors, hefting his thick hair in the other hand. Just as he was about to hack it all off, his heart skipped a beat and he dropped the scissors. He just couldn't do it. Not yet. His hair was too much a part of who he was. And besides... other men had long hair. Just look at the Emperor. It was all in how you wore it. Satisfied and reassured by that justification, he picked up a tie and pulled his hair back into a functional braid. He dressed in the clothing that Emi brought, slipping into a simple pair of slippers as he tied the gold sash around his waist.
Then, steeling himself, he walked to the mirror to take in his new reflection... and stared. Ridiculous! Even in men's clothing he still looked like a girl! Somehow, he had thought that putting on different clothing would automatically make him look like the man he actually was, instead of the woman he'd pretended to be for 8 years. He had forgotten to take into account that the mere fact that he had been a woman for 8 years was bound to have taken its toll. His every move, his every gesture... his every facial expression, for crying out loud! They all screamed "female", and the fact that, in his heart, he didn't really want to change any of those things... This was going to be much harder than he'd thought. He shook his head ruefully and pulled open the door to his rooms.
Emi had left as quietly as she'd returned -- maybe to find more clothing that would suit Nuriko's altered needs. But really, it didn't matter, for what he wanted now, more than companionship, was some time alone to test the waters of this new self. He made his way out to the lake and dropped down to a convenient boulder, knees to his chest. He felt altogether too exposed in the clothing he now wore -- and not very comfortable, either. He shut off that train of thought. He was going to try to wear men's clothing at least for a little while each day. Even if he still felt like a women inside, he could at least try to look like a man on the outside. He turned his gaze to the water and merely sat, enjoying the stillness for a while.
Hotohori frowned at the piles of documents that awaited him at his return. Having had a taste of the freedom that could be his as a simple seishi, it was hard to return to life in this gilded cage. He could almost envy Nuriko -- at least he had been set free from his self-imposed prison. It was the one good thing that had come from this whole mess. He could never have fully set Lady Kourin free from the Court -- not without bringing shame to her family. But Nuriko... that was a different story altogether. It was strange, though. As happy as he was for the other man... he was sad, too. The one thing that he had known before, the one thing he had been able to count on, was that no matter that her love for him had been matched only by her equally strong hate... Lady Kourin had been a kindred spirit. He had fought against that knowledge all year, but he had been aware of it just the same. Hers had been a spirit just as strong as his and just as misplaced in the life to which she had been forced. As rocky as the relationship between them had become, as harshly as he had pushed her away, on some level, his heart had begun to soften towards her. Before the arrival of Suzaku no Miko, he had begun to wonder... would it be so bad? He could certainly have done worse than Lady Kourin for an Empress.
Except... there was no Lady Kourin. She was a myth, a figment... she didn't exist. And now knowing that, Hotohori felt like he had lost a dear friend. Certainly Lady Kourin had been anything but... but she had been a constant in his life, someone he could depend on, and now she was gone. He sat in benumbed silence for a few moments, then finally gave the situation up as a lost cause. He tossed the documents back onto his desk and declared to the air that he was going for a walk. He needed to clear his head before attacking the business of the state -- otherwise they were likely to find themselves embroiled in a war or some such just because he hadn't been paying attention. Fleeing his office, Hotohori headed for one of the few places on the grounds were he could go to calm down: the lake.
And so it was with great disappointment that he found his favorite spot already occupied. Worse still, the boy's long braid of indigo hair brought visions of Lady Kourin to his mind -- the very thoughts that he had come out here to escape. Odd that there was another at court with that unusual shade of hair and he hadn't known. Could he be one of the new stable lads? Perhaps one the guard trainees? But if either were true, he should not have access to this part of the grounds. He started towards the boy to scold him for being where he should not, but something about his dejected posture, the way he hugged his knees to his chest... Hotohori found himself feeling a surge of sympathy for the forlorn figure at the edge of the lake. So instead of scolding, he knelt next to the boy and quietly asked, "Are you all right?"
The figure's head whipped around so quickly that his braid nearly smacked the Emperor in the face, "Hotohori-sama! I didn't realize you were there. I'm sorry for intruding! I... I'll just leave now." Delicate hands fluttered to cover the boy's open mouth as he stammered apologies.
Now that Hotohori could see the boy's face, he realized that his earlier instincts had, in fact, been correct. Irritated at having been conned into feeling sympathy for the other seishi, he simply said, "Nuriko. So it is you."
Nuriko bowed his head and nodded miserably, his posture even more dejected than before. It was... strange. The Emperor didn't think he'd ever seen Lady Kourin look so lost. It made the world seem out of balance somehow. Lady Kourin was confidence and poise incarnate. To see her -- or one who looked so like her -- so flustered and uncertain... It was just plain wrong. Hotohori sat down next to the other seishi and turned his gaze out to the lake. It was only then that he realized that he had no idea how to start a conversation with the other man. He'd never had a talk with Lady Kourin that hadn't ended in a bitter argument or with his being utterly humiliated. So, feeling more than a little flustered and uncertain himself, he just blurted out the first thing that came to mind, "Why are you dressed like that?"
The answer was not quite what he expected. Nuriko's voice was uncharacteristically depressed when he responded, "Why do you care?"
That response caused Hotohori to frown at the other seishi. It just wasn't like him... that bitterness had been all self-directed. Again, he couldn't shake the feeling that something was seriously wrong here, but he had no experience with getting others to confide in him. Feeling as though he was a lumbering ox trapped in a display hall full of priceless artifacts, he pressed on, "Well, you can dress however you like, now, Nuriko... I suppose it isn't any of my business. But somehow..." He paused for a moment, trying to find the right words, "Somehow, I thought you'd be relieved to be able to give up your pretending... but you don't seem happy about it."
Nuriko stared at him in open-mouthed shock, then shook his head. He drew his knees back to his chest, resting his arms on top of them, "No, Hotohori-sama. I am not happy. But I still find it hard to believe that you actually care about that. It isn't as though I've ever mattered to you before. I've been a thorn in your side since I first came here, but even though you knew you would never want me, you wouldn't release me, either. And now this... At best, this is bittersweet. I may have my freedom... but I've lost my honor in the bargain. I can't return home without bringing shame to my family. It would be better for them if I were just to die... again."
Hotohori watched as the indigo-haired seishi rested his head on top of his arms, feeling a twinge of alarm. He'd never thought about that particular consequence to the truth being revealed. It had never occurred to him that Nuriko's family might not be privy to his secret. And for a man... ritual suicide was an acceptable way to deal with dishonor, especially when the shame involved might spread to include one's whole family. And while he might still harbor some resentment towards Lady Kourin, if the Emperor were honest with himself, he would admit that on their journey, he had warmed somewhat to Nuriko. He had thought that without the bitterness of denied expectation between them, maybe that shared understanding of the cruelty of destiny could blossom into something more -- a friendship. But he'd never had a friend before, never tried to approach someone with the intent of treating them as an equal. He didn't know how and it made him feel inadequate. He didn't want to say the wrong thing and bring about the very thing he was trying to turn the other seishi away from. Again, he blurted out the first thing that came to mind, "Suzaku no miko will need all of the seishi when she returns, you know."
Nuriko stared at him for a moment, blinking uncomprehendingly, before the pieces fell into place. Hotohori could see the exact moment it happened. The indigo-haired seishi's lips quirked upwards at the corner, twitching as they fought off the full smile that was trying to spread. His earth brown eyes started to twinkle and finally he lost the battle and let out a hearty, though feminine, laugh. When he calmed enough to take in the Emperor's now very disgruntled face, his eyes took on an apologetic cast, "I'm so sorry, Hotohori-sama. I did not realize you would take my words in that way, though I should have." He shook his head, "I make you a promise, heika-sama: I have no intention of taking my own life..." His voice dropped into a whisper as he finished with, "...no matter how worthless it may seem to me right now. I know that I am still needed, as a seishi, if in no other way."
Though the words should have been reassuring, somehow Hotohori found them to be anything but. Unsure, he placed a hand on Nuriko's shoulder, "That is not the only way in which you are needed, Nuriko--"
He got no further. Nuriko's head jerked up off his arms as his eyes bore into the Emperor's, the flames of anger lit deep within them. This was more what the Emperor expected of Nuriko. These angry eyes... they were Lady Kourin's eyes. With a shock, Hotohori realized that he had missed the very fiery passion that he had thought he was glad to be rid of. Nuriko's voice was a quiet hiss of ire when he spoke, "Do you take me for a fool, heika-sama? I disgust you, just as I do everyone else. I've heard what the servants have been whispering about me ever since our return. How did they learn the truth, I wonder? I didn't tell them. Taiitsu-kun didn't tell them. How long do you think before that knowledge spreads around the whole court?" In truth, it had never occurred to the Emperor to try to keep it quiet. He and Tamahome had discussed the matter in front of several of his own servants. His cheeks flamed as Nuriko's eyes blazed. He recognized that expression. The other seishi was just getting started.
Rising to his feet, Nuriko's hands clenched into fists and Hotohori felt himself start to sweat. At least Lady Kourin had not posed a physical threat in her anger... Nuriko was another story. With his seishi strength, the other man could do him serious harm. Fortunately, the only damage he seemed bent on inflicting was with words, "And this sudden desire to be my friend? Where did it come from? Just weeks ago you hated me, couldn't stand to be near me. Just days ago, you and Tamahome were so disgusted by my presence you wouldn't even talk to me! Then, when we return to Court, you waste not one precious second in divulging my secret to ruin me completely. And now you have the gall to approach me and tell me that my life has meaning to you?" Hurt flooded his eyes, "I am not that stupid, heika-sama, nor am I blind." He spat out his final words, "Spare me your pity. I don't need it, nor do I desire it." With those last bitter words, Nuriko stormed away from the lake, leaving the Emperor staring after him in embarrassed, guilty silence.
( On to part 3b )
